I still love you Papa
by reinacuz
Summary: "No papa! Please stop! I'm sorry!" I screamed out as my father mercilessly raped me. Just moments after he finished, he started to beat me until I was a sobbing bloody mess that could barely move. It was only after the 'punishments' that he showed me kindness. Warning: rape, depression, nightmares, cutting
1. Chapter 1

Some nights he would stumble into my room. I couldn't stop what he did. As I was there shaking beneath him; it seemed as if he didn't care for me. Almost every other night, he would make me cry myself to sleep.

….

Today my brother and England came over to see me and Papa. They had to drive to our house because Francis and Arthur don't live together. Al kept saying it would be easier and we could hang out more if our parents lived together. Papa and England went out for drinks together, and let me and Al stay home.

They both returned home when it was getting very late. Al had fallen asleep on the couch, and I was waiting in my room. I heard Papa and Arthur talking quietly. Papa was slurring his words.

"Mon L'Angleterre how about you and Alfred stay for the night?"

"I'm not going to sleep with you, you bloody wanker!'

"Fine. mon ami. You can go home"

The talking ceased after that; then I heard a door slam. England must have gotten upset at Papa and taken Al home. I hid under my covers, shaking violently, as I heard heavy footsteps coming up the stairs. The door opened, light flooding my room and the stench of alcohol following it.

"Mon petit Mathieu? Are you in here?"

I shake harder. A small whimper escaped me; telling my Papa that I was hiding under the covers. He walks in my room and tugs at the covers that I hide under.

"Mon cher Mathieu, why are you shaking?"

The covers were suddenly ripped off of me. I screamed. Running was my only option now. He held me down with one arm and was slowly undoing the buttons on my red and white striped pajama top.

"Papa, I'm sorry!" I cried as he pulled off my pajama top. I don't know why he did this to me, but I did know that he was either going to beat me, rape me, or both.

"I'll be right back mon petit Mathieu" He said a little to happily.

He then ran out of the room. I took this opportunity to hide under my bed, even though I know I probably shouldn't have. I heard the footsteps come to the edge of the bed. I saw him drop to his knees and peek his head under. He glared right at me

"Mathieu! What did I tell you about hiding from me?"

I flinched and backed away. He reached his hand out and roughly grabbed onto my hair. I whimpered. Hiding from him would do me no good. He plopped me down on the bed and scowled.

"I'm sorry Papa, I really am." I mumbled. Protesting wouldn't do me any good either. I closed my eyes and a few tears rolled down my cheeks. My head snapped to side and stung like hell. I let out a yelp, opening my eyes back open.

He took my hands and tied them together. That's what he went to go get; some rope. He connected to end of the rope to the edge of my bed frame. The position I was in was rather embarrassing. My legs hung off the edge, and my hands were tied in front of me. I was bent over. That was bad. I didn't want to be punished today.

Papa slid my pajama pants down and pulled them off completely. A hand came and swatted across my backside, not that hard, but I still screamed. I heard the familiar sound of a belt buckle being undone. I started crying now.

"Papa I'm sorry! Please don't hit me!"

Looks like I said that a little too late. My crying ceased for a few seconds and was replaced by a loud scream when I felt a band of leather whip across my backside. He hit me twice more, harder each time. My screaming and crying filled the room, but was abruptly stopped when a hand had been placed over my mouth.

"Be quiet mon cher Mathieu, or I will have to punish you more"

I nodded as best as I could. My tears soaked onto Papa's hand. I shut my eyes tight and didn't see his hand but I felt it in my hair. He ran his fingers through my hair and pulled at my curl. I let out a squeak; he just laughed and did it again. He walked to the other side of my bed and brought his face close to mine. Our noses were touching. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. He pressed his lips to mine and shoved his tongue down my throat. I gagged and tired pulling away. He smacked me for that and kissed me again. This time a bit more rough.

The one sided kissing went on for ages. Well… I thought it was ages. I tried pulling away again and yelped when Papa's hand snaked its way to my vital regions. He then went around to my backside and spanked me again. I whimpered.

"Mathieu, stop pulling away."

"y-yes Papa" I barely could get the words out. I started to scream as I felt a wet and hot member enter me. It hurt so bad and I swear to you I was bleeding. Sometimes Papa would be nicer about it and prepare me first but I guess that wasn't happening. He thrust into to hard and fast. All I did was scream and whimper things like "no" and "I'm sorry" and "please stop" but that didn't help at all.

"Shut up" He yelled with anger while he was raping me. I couldn't stay quiet. Because of me being loud I was hit again.

He quickly came inside of me. The mixture of the warm liquid and blood was making me feel uncomfortable. 'Please let him be done' I silently prayed. Apparently he wasn't. He picked up his belt and proceeded to beat me with it. I let hot tears fly down my face and tried to not make a sound. The pain was unbearable and I soon felt my lower half become numb. What did I do to deserve this? Does he really hate me that much to do this? And almost everyday too?

He stopped hitting me. He undid the ropes on my hands and put my clothes back on. Papa always did this after he abused me. He put me back on my bed correctly and pulled the covers up to my chin. He didn't leave this time. Papa laid down next to me and started to cry.

"I'm so sorry Mathieu. I love you so much and I don't understand why I do this but I hope you can forgive me. If you want, you can tell England about this. I know I told you not to tell anyone, but you can tell him. I won't hit you if you do."

I stared at him in disbelief. Did he really just say all that? He leaned into one of my pillows and kept whispering "I'm sorry." I just want to live a normal life without an abusive father.

"If I tell him, he might t-take me a-away from y-you"

"If he does then I won't h-hit you anymore"

**"**But I love you Papa. A-And I don't want to leave you."

He put his arms around me and held me all night.

**Authors note:**

**First Fanfiction i ever wrote. More chapters to come. Or i might just combine all the chapters later on. Btw Canada is around 8 years old**


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up the next morning and papa was still here, laying next to me. He was still asleep. I slipped under his arm and made my way to the edge of my bed. I swung my legs over the side of the bed. I put pressure on them and immediately jumped back. I couldn't walk. Great. Just great.

I tried again to walk and this time I succeeded. I limped over to closet and pulled out a red maple leaf hoodie, some jean, boxers, and a towel. I limped my way over to the bathroom. I moved quickly and quietly to be sure not wake Papa. He'll wake up later and make breakfast, but if I wake him up now, he might be cranky and hit me again.

I shed my filthy pajamas and got in the shower. The hot water was relaxing to my aching body. I sat down in the shower and pulled my knees to my chest. As the water rained down on my back I started to cry. Why did I have to live like this? Why can't I live with my brother? Why does my father have to abuse me?

Tears flowed freely down my cheeks and I tried my best to not make any noise. I didn't want Papa barging in on me. I don't know how long I as in the bathroom. It must have been a while because he usually doesn't check up on me when I've been in here for a long time. He also might have heard me crying.

"Mathieu? Is everything alright?"

I started to cry louder. I didn't want to see him right now. I didn't want him to yell at me.

"Mon petit Mathieu, I made pancakes."

I perked my head up. That got my attention. I mumbled a quiet "I'll be out in a few minutes." I go to turn off the shower. I gaze at myself in the bathroom mirror. My eyes and cheeks were red, my curl was missing that usual bounce, and my hair was a mess. I know I only got out of the shower, and my hair was still wet, but I at least should have some decency in my appearance. He would see that I was crying. I hope he won't notice.

I dried my hair with a towel and ran a comb through it. Tangled, as usual. That always happened after Papa punished me. I throw on my clothes and walk downstairs. The smell of pancakes and maple syrup wafts over to me. Oh how I love pancakes.

Wait a moment. Papa just wouldn't randomly decide to make pancakes for me. I'd usually have to ask him to. What was going on? Did something happen?

"Mathieu?"

"Oui Papa?"

"I-"

He was cut off by a polar bear latching onto his arm.

"You're mean!"

Kumajiro said through his teeth, still on Papa's arm. He tried to shake kuma off of him, but kuma held on tight. Blood was starting to seep through Papa's sleeve. I pull kuma away from him. Kuma let go and snuggled in my arms, getting comfortable.

"You hurt him!" Kuma growled at Papa. Papa didn't have a response to that. He looks to the floor and avoids my gaze. Papa knew that Kuma was right. He did hurt me. Papa runs to the bathroom. I turn to Kuma.

"You didn't have to do that you know."

"Who?"

"Matthew."

"Doesn't matter. I'm hungry."

"There's pancakes."

"I know."

"Kuma… You can't protect me."

"Yes I can."

"I don't want him to hurt you either."

"Doesn't matter. I'll protect you"

Our conversation was ended when Papa came back. The blood on his sleeve was gone now. He goes back into the kitchen and stacks three pancakes on a plate. he sets the plate in front of me and sits across from me. I look up at his eyes and see that they are wet from holding in tears. He just started to break down crying in front of me. I stare at him. I didn't know what to do. All the times I broke down crying in front of him, he didn't do anything about it. He just sat there… and cried. I didn't touch my pancakes yet.

"Papa?"

"I'm so sorry Mathieu. I heard you crying this morning and it broke me heart to see you like this."

I didn't know how to respond to that. I stay silent and wait for him to continue talking.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore…" He let out another trembling sob. "So I called England.." What was that supposed to mean? What did he tell Dad? "And I didn't tell him why..." My eyes started to tear up now. "But I asked him to come get you..." A few tears slipped down my cheek. "And take you away from me..."


	3. Chapter 3

It felt like i had been stabbed in the chest. _No! That's not fair!_ I sat there, jaw dropped with a look of horror on my face. He can't do this.

"But Papa-"

"Non. You must leave."

We were both crying now. I was holding back some tears so I could still talk to him. Why would he do this?

"Why? I don't want to leave."

"Mathieu... I h-hurt you e-everyday..."

"But I don't want to leave"

"You have to. I saw how much you have been crying... And it's all my fault that you were upset."

"But Papa I can't leave... I love you"

"I love you too son, but you should finish your pancakes."

He stands up and walks into the kitchen, signaling that he doesn't want to talk anymore. I sigh and turn to Kuma who still rests in my arms. "Kumachiki what do I do?"

"Who?"

"Matthew."

"You go."

"But I don't want to."

"I'm hungry."

"There's pancakes."

Kuma jumps on the table and eats a pancake from my plate. He walks over to the other side of the table, his nails clicking on the wood, and grabs the bottle of syrup. He carries it back to me. I take it from him and drown my pancakes in it. I really didn't feel like eating but I knew I should. I take a few bites of them and slump in my chair. Why was Papa doing this? I don't want to leave. I was almost finished with my pancakes when Papa walked back into the dining room.

"Go get ready. England will be here soon."

A few tears slip down my cheeks as I reluctantly get up and walk upstairs. I set Kuma on my bed and fish around in my closet for my carrying case. I pull it out and stuff it with clothes and other essentials. I finish packing and lay on my bed next to Kuma.

"Kumasero what do I do?"

"Who?"

"Matthew!" I quietly shouted.

"You can stay but he'll hurt you again."

"I don't care!"

I started crying. I hear the door open and I snap my head up to look. It's Papa. He walks in and sits next to me. He pulls me into his lap and I wince. I was still in pain from last night. He holds me close.

"Mon petit Mathieu I'm sorry."

I only cry louder. He holds me for a few minutes but sets me back on my bed when he hears the doorbell ring. Papa goes downstairs. I hear him open the door, but what I don't hear is some obnoxious yelling... So that must mean Al isn't there. I wait a few minutes and hear Papa and Dad talking. I don't hear what they say though. "Come down here lad" I hear him yell up to me.

I get up and take my stuff with me. I keep my head to the floor and ignore Arthur's gaze.

"Come on lad, lets get going." he motions for me to come to him. "I don't want too." I reply and cross my arms. Papa shoos Arthur away and tells him to go wait in his car. He gets on his knees and holds out his arms. I run towards him as tears fly down my face.

"I don't want to go!" I scream into his chest. He lifts me up pets my hair softly.

"I know mon cher Mathieu, but you have to go. I don't want to hurt you anymore."

"Then don't and let me stay with you."

"I wish it was easy like that. To just say something and make it happen."

"But I-"

"Oui, I know. I love you mon petit Mathieu, but you have to go now." I wasn't able to get another word in. He held me against his hip with one arm and used the other arm to carry Kumajiro and my bag. He opens up the front door and brings me out to Arthur's car. He sets me and Kuma in the front seat and sets my bag in the back seat.

Fresh tears stream down my face. I didn't hate this man for everything he's done, and I didn't want to leave him either. He stands there, forcing a smile and waving at me. I know that once I leave he's going to start crying and not stop for a few days. His cheeks glisten with tears but I don't think Dad noticed that. We pull out of the driveway.

I slowly watch Papa's house fade away. I don't want to cry right now. How could I ever love someone who hurt me like that? I don't know.

"Lad? What has happened between you two?"

How could he be asking that now?! What do I say? I can't tell him everything. Can I? My young mind fills with worry on what to do so i decide to not say anything. A few minutes passed by and Dad didn't say anything else.

We were halfway to his house by now. He said something else.

"Lad is everything alright?"

_ Can't you see I'm crying?_

"Non." I reply with a tone of sadness and longing.

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong? Did the frog do anything to you?"

_ Oui. He did._ I stay silent, and hope that Dad will get the idea that I don't want to talk right now.

"Come on lad, you can tell me."

I look out the window and ignore him. I shift slightly and whimper as the pain from earlier returns. _Oh Dieu i hope he didn't notice. _Dad started to drive slower. He was speaking in a quiet, low tone now. "Did he hit you?"

I pause. Non. Non. Non. I can't tell him. I told Papa that I wouldn't tell anyone... If I did tell someone... I would be punished again.

I bite my bottom lip and shake my head with a worried look on my face. Dad pulls the car over. He must have seen that I was lying. He turns to me and mouths the words "He did."

**authors note:**

**Please review :)**


	4. Chapter 4

Tears stream down my face. I sat there... Just... Crying...

He turns the car off and pulls me into his lap. I whimper at the pain that still resides in my lower half. I put Kuma on my seat. He holds me close to him.

"I'm going to call Francis." He says through clenched teeth. I can't let him do that. Papa will realize that he found out and he'll punish me for it.

"Non. You can't call him." I whisper.

"And why can't I, lad?"

"Because he'll punish me." I mumble. I'm not sure if he hears me.

"What was that?"

I don't respond this time. I keep crying. After a few minutes he set me back in my seat. We drove for about 10 more minutes and finally arrived at his house. Dad used a handkerchief and wiped away my tears. He quickly got out of the car and grabbed my stuff for me. We walk inside and I'm bombarded with a hug.

"Mattie!" Alfred shouted in my ear. Wow. he really was excited to see me, even though we saw each other a few days ago.

"H-Hi Al." He was hugging me rather tight. He lets go of me after a few minutes. Alfred reached his hand up and touched my cheek.

"Mattie, what's wrong? You look sad." He had some concern in his voice. Should I tell him?

"I wanted to stay with Papa." I say quietly, hoping he wouldn't notice how sad I actually was.

"But now you get you live with us!" Al shouts. He really was oblivious to how I was feeling. Most times, Alfred only cared for himself.

I ignore that. "Where can I put my stuff eh?" I set Kuma on the floor so he can wander the house.

"Here I'll show you!" He grabs onto my wrist and pulls me upstairs to a guest room. The room was nice looking, even its own bathroom. Arthur came into the bedroom a few minutes later and set my stuff on the bed. "Just make yourself at home lad."

Arthur left the room after that. I was tempted to follow him. Al was being nice enough to help me unpack my things. That took a good half hour.

"Hey Mattie, do you wanna go play hide and seek?"

"Sure Al." I said quietly.

"You're it." Alfred shouted as he ran off, somewhere into the big house. I sigh, close my eyes and count to ten. 1. 2. 3. I heard some giggling close by so he must be in a room near me. 4. 5. 6. 7. Dad's heavy footsteps filled the hallway outside of my room. He was pacing back and forth mumbling something to himself. 8. 9. 10.

"Ready or not, here i come." I quietly shout and run out of my room to start looking for my mischivous brother. I started my searches by looking in the kitchen. The kitchen looked rarely used. There was dust on the counter tops and there were no dishes in the sink. _I could probably teach Arthur and Al a thing or two about cooking if i really wanted too. _I search in cabinets and under tables, under beds and couches. I even looked behind a dresser.

I find myself walking down a hallway that I haven't been before. One of the doors was slightly open. I peek inside and see Dad on the phone. _I probably shouldn't bother him._ He was saying something in the phone, he had an angry tone of voice. I crept closer so i was standing just inside the office or study or whatever it was. The walls were lined with bookshelves, none of them had dust on them. The carpet was worn out, he must pace back and forth a lot. Dad must spend lots of time in here.

I move closer and catch what he was saying. He was speaking rather quickly.

"Why would you even do that to your own son you frog?"

I gasped. _Non. Non. Non. I told him not to tell Papa._ I was most likely to get punished now or worse, raped again. Merci Dieu he didn't hear me.

"My fault? What do you mean by that you sick perverted frog?"

Papa must be using some cruel logic to this. Some perverted cruel logic that would benefit him. He would probably say something like 'Well if you just slept with me than this wouldn't have happened.'

"You. You. I can't even think of a name to call you. How about this frenchie? What if i never let you see your son again?"

I heard a gasp through the phone and stood there, open mouthed and wide eyed. _Why would Arthur even say something like that? _I run out of the room and slam the door behind me. Arthur didn't even know I was there listening to what he was saying. I run to the end of the hall with tears pouring down my face, but was abruptly stopped by Arthur's hand on my shoulder.

He looks me in the eyes. "Lad, you weren't supposed to hear all that."

I didn't say anything to him. My expression said it all. Arthur got on his knees and wrapped his arms around me. I didn't hug him back, I stood there still crying. Dad pulled away after a few moments. "Why are you crying lad?" He whispers loud enough for only me to hear.

"B-Because y-you aren't going to let me see P-Papa again." England looks towards the floor. He takes out a handkerchief and wipes the tears away. _Like that's going to make it better. _

"Listen to me, if I bring you back there, he's just going to hurt you again." He sounds very serious when he says it.

"I don't care if he hurts me!" I quietly shout. I want to go back with Papa, even if he does hurt me.

"If who hurts you Mattie?"

**Authors note: Thanks for the reviews! They give me inspiration ;3**


	5. Chapter 5

Alfred's voice rang through my ears like a gunshot.

"Go upstairs Alfred. This doesn't concern you."

"But I need to protect Mattie! I can't let anyone hurt him!"

_You can't protect me Alfred._England clenches his teeth. His grip on my shoulders tenses.

"Go upstairs Alfred."

"No! I'm the hero and I need to protect my brother!"

Arthur looked about ready to hit him, but he also looked like he was going to tell Alfred. He glares at Alfred. What do I do? If I tell Al, He'll punish me for sure.

"G-Go upstairs Al." I quietly say.

"But Mattie-"

"Go!" I cry out. My knees buckle and I fall into Arthur's chest. "It's going to be okay, lad." He whispers in my ear. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Alfred reluctantly walk upstairs. Dad puts his hand on the back of my head and holds me closer.

_"__I told you not to tell anyone!"_

_I scream as leather collides with my lower back. Pain racked through my small body. My lower half was already numb. Why did Papa have to do this to me? He hit me again. I only screamed louder. He had yet to rape me… If he was going to do that…_

_Oh I hope he doesn't. _

_"__Please Stop! I'm sorry! I didn't tell them!" I tensed as I awaited the familiar sound of a leather belt zipping through the air, then connecting with my already bloodied skin. That sound didn't come. I turned around and saw Papa's face go blank, then to an expression of sorrow. I sigh with relief. His expression went from that to anger in a moments notice. "What do you mean you didn't tell them?!" That night, he hit me harder than he has ever hit me before._

I tremble in fear at the thought. That was probably going to happen anyway if I went back to live with Papa. England's warm body pressed tightly against mine was… well… comforting. I sigh and turn to him. I sniffle and wipe my tears away with my sleeve. "Will you make sure P-Papa doesn't h-hit me anymore?" I said quietly.

"I might not be able to, but I can most certainly try, lad."

I hug him tight and nuzzle my head in the crook of his neck. He picks me up. My head hangs over his shoulder and I look down the hallway. _I don't belong here._ Dad carries me all the way to the kitchen and sets me down on one of the chairs.

"Would you like anything to eat, lad?"

My stomach growled at the thought of food. I haven't eaten since this morning and it was already the late afternoon. As a matter of fact, I barely ate breakfast. "Oui. J'ai très faim. Je n'ai pas mangé le petit déjeuner" England cocks his head to the side and raises a thick eyebrow.

"What was that, lad?"

"I didn't eat breakfast this morning." I say quietly.

"Well why didn't you say something earlier?" Arthur struts into the kitchen and pulls out some cooking ingredients. I watch in amazement as he attempts to cook. _It was chaos. _The bag of flour tips over and covers the floor. I laugh quietly to myself because it also covers Arthur. "Bloody Hell! Look at this mess I've made!" I laugh louder now. England sends me a glare and I stop laughing. "Why don't you try and cook, lad?" Arthur demanded.

"Oui." I jump off the chair and head into the kitchen. I grab a broom and start sweeping the floor. I can't possibly cook in a messy kitchen. I had to stand up on a chair to wipe of the counters. I reach for the bowl of batter that Arthur had made and stick my pinky finger in it. I swipe some out and put it in my mouth. I gag and throw the mixture, along with the bowl, into the garbage can. His face had a look of horror.

"What're you doing, lad! You could have still used that!"

"Non, Dad. I can't." I reply quietly. I walk over to the cabinet and pull out another mixing bowl. This was certainly a big middle finger to Arthur. I get out the ingredients needed and I mix them together in a bowl. I soon end up with a good amount of delectable pancake batter. "Can you get me a frying pan?"

"Sure, lad." Arthur replies. He reached up and took a pan off of one of the hooks that hang above the sink. He hands me the frying pan. "Are you sure you don't need help with this?" he asks; concerned.

"Non. Just let me do it." I take the pan from him and set it on the burner. I put a slab of butter on the pan and let it heat up. I throw on some pancake batter. I look over to Arthur and see that he's sitting on a chair, moping. I now have a small stack of pancakes on a plate. I hand the plate over to England. He takes the plate and just stares at it. I roll my eyes. "Try it." I say as I hand him a fork.

He slowly takes a bite. "This is amazing! Do you make delicacies like this all the time?"

"Delicacies? I make these for breakfast a lot. They're pretty simple." Arthur scowls and looks towards the floor. I take a plate of pancakes for myself and sit across from him. They're still pretty good even though I don't have any maple syrup. I don't even bother asking if he has any because I already checked.

We eat in silence. A few minutes later, Al comes downstairs. He basically ran down here.

"So you tasted Iggy's cooking?" He yells. Arthur turns into a boiling rage.

"I told you not to call me that!"

I tremble. I've always hated yelling.

"Whatever Iggy!" Arthur growled and mumbled something. Alfred was smiling like a fool. _Can't he see that Arthur is upset? _I was afraid something could happen to Alfred, but then again, they seemed to set each other off but nothing ever went beyond that. Arthur never hit Alfred, and Alfred never cried. _I really don't belong here._

"What'd you make Mattie?"

"Pancakes."

"Can I try some?" Alfred asks excitedly. Arthur looks over to Alfred. "Here lad, you can have mine. I need to go and rest." With that, Arthur stands up and walks down the hall. He rubs the back of his head while he's walking. _That must have been from all of my crying. I must have given him a headache._

Alfred was shoveling the tasty pancakes in his mouth. "Hey bro… What happened earlier?" He says as he finishes up the pancakes.


	6. Chapter 6

I bite my lip. Dad can't help me now. _If I tell him, Papa'll find out and... And... He'll punish me. _A tear slips down my cheek. I tense up and clench my fists.

"I... I can't tell you." I say quietly. Alfred crosses his arms and makes a 'hmph' sound.

"You just don't want to." Al says. I gasp. _You're so naive._ A few more tears slip down my cheeks. Alfred takes notice to them. He looks to the floor and mumbles a quick sorry.

Several minutes of silence pass. I finally get the courage to say something but I don't know what to say. Even if I wanted to say something I probably couldn't because my throat felt drier than a desert. I open my mouth but no words come out. _C'mon say something! _

"A-Al... D-Do you r-really want to k-know what h-happened?"

"Yeah, bro. It's different that you're suddenly living with us."

I sigh. _Well, where do I start?_ I have everything that I want to say planned out, but I just can't say it.

"Mattie, are you okay?" Rain starts pouring against the roof of the house. I tremble as a flash of lightning appears out of the window.

"N-Non." Thunder booms outside. I shriek and cower in fear. Alfred was unharmed by the thunder. He walks over to me and grabs onto my hoodie. "Let's go upstairs. I'll be your hero and keep you safe from the scary weather."

I nod. He practically drags me up the stairs. He brings me to his room and closes the door. I sit down on his bed. Alfred sits next to me. "So what happened earlier... With England?"

"He called P-Papa-"

"You got upset over that?" Alfred interrupts me. It sounded like Alfred wanted to laugh. Alfred holds back a laugh when he notices that my mood did not lighten up.

"H-He told Papa something."

"What did he tell him?"

I was silent. I can't tell Alfred. Can I? Alfred starts to look worried. He puts his arm over my shoulder. "C'mon bro, you can tell me anything." His voice suddenly grows quiet and caring. A tear rolls down my cheek and a flash of lighting appears, the thunder following it immediately. I scream and cling to Alfred. "Mattie, the thunder is not going to hurt you." I sigh and relax slightly.

"Alfred?"

"What is it bro?"

"I want to go home. I want to go see Papa. He kept me safe from the lightning." That was true. He would always hold me in his arms until the storm passed. He would let me sleep in his bed with him if I was too scared to sleep alone. Kumajiro was scared too. He dealt with it in his own way by hiding under my bed. Kuma always refused to go to Papa's room with me.

Alfred didn't say anything. The rain comes down harder. _I can't live like this anymore._ I lean against Alfred. _It's my fault he hits me. Right? _I squeeze my eyes shut to suppress the tears. "Je ne peux pas rentrer à la maison" I whisper.

"I don't speak French. Sorry." Alfred says jokingly.

"I can't go home!" I yell out, tears flying, as I rip away from Alfred. Al tries to grab onto my hoodie but I easily dodge him. I throw the door open and run to my room. He follows me, but not quick enough. I slam my bedroom door and lock it before he catches me. I lean against the door. My back is to the door and I feel Alfred's fists pounding on the door. I feel lightheaded and I don't hear the noise of his screaming and yelling for me to open the door.

I slide down the door and pull my knees to my chest. I hang my head in sorrow and start to cry. The world around me slips away.

_"__Mathieu… Je suis rentré." He was slurring his words. _

_"__Papa, why are you talking funny?"_

_"__Mon cher Mathieu, Your Père has had a little too much to drink." The sentence sounded like a question. What did he mean by that? He's never come home like this before. By drink, did he mean all of those fancy wines that I'm not allowed to have? _

_Papa got down on his knees so he was eye level with me. I was slightly uncomfortable and backed up a step. He pulled me closer and pressed his lips against mine, roughly. I whined in surprise and tried to pull away. He held onto my arms tightly and wouldn't let me pull away._

_Several minutes of kissing later, Papa turned to me and had a look of seething rage on his face. I've never seen this look before. It was terrifying and I hope to never see it again. He brought his hand up and swung it across my face. I yelled out in pain. That was the first time he ever hit me._

_"Get upstairs!" He yelled. My body trembled. He's never yelled like this before. I didn't move. He struck me again. "Upstairs. Now." I ran up the stairs to my room, Papa following right behind me. He pointed to the bed. "Sit." He said and pointed to the bed. I did as he said, trembling in fear. He slapped me again and I cried out. _

_"__Papa, why are you doing this?"_

_"__Shut up!" He shoved me down on the bed, and forced my pants off, along with my boxers. He unzipped his pants and pulled out a throbbing erection. He placed the tip at my virgin hole, and pushed in slowly. I screamed out in pure agony._

_"__Please stop! I'm sorry!" I cried. He pounded into me and left me screaming and crying. His moans and my cries filled the usually quiet room. Papa finished up inside of me and left the room without another word._

_I've never felt pain like that before. This one time thing turned into something that happened on a regular basis._

I woke up with a scream.


	7. Chapter 7

Arthur's fists were banging against the door.

"Are you alright, lad?! Open up!"

Tears flow down my cheeks. _Why did I have that God awful dream? _I lean against the door and sob. I don't care if they hear my cries; I just want to go home. Do I really want to go home? To a home where I'll be abused and raped? Even though I do love my Papa; he sent me here to keep me safe. Safe from what? I'll just end up being hurt in the end anyway.

I feel the weight of a body slamming itself against the door. I back away in fear of the door being broken down. I sit on my bed and try to ignore the two on the outside. I stop crying and lay my head against the pillow. A thousand thoughts are running through my head.

Does Arthur really want to protect me? Or is Alfred making him do it? He didn't seem too enthusiastic when Papa told him that I was going to live with him and Al. Does Papa hate me? Why would he hurt me? Why would anyone hurt someone so helpless like me? I don't want Papa to hate me. _I'm just useless trash that no one wants around!_

Without thinking, I stand up and go to my bag that I stored in the closet. In there, I had a few pencils and a hand held pencil sharpener. I also had a multi-tool that Alfred had given me for my birthday one year. I dig around in my bag and pull out the multi-tool and pencil sharpener. I walk over to my dresser and lay the items down on the table.

_You're a useless, good for nothing loser! No one can even remember your name! No one would care if you got hurt or were in pain! They'll all just walk by and trample you to the ground because they won't even notice you. You've always stood in your brother's shadow. _I clench my fists and stare at myself in the mirror. _I'll never be noticed. Not ever._

I pop open the screwdriver bit in the multi-tool. I unscrew the razor from the pencil sharpener. I pull up the sleeve on my left arm. I inhale sharply and plunge the razor into my wrist. The small razor was slightly blunt so it hurt more. I avoid the vein, not wanting to kill myself. I scream out at the pain, and everything around me seems to stop.

I receive a slight feeling of euphoria. I look down at my bloodied wrist and see the blood dripping onto the floor. Horrible pain now resides in my left wrist; I don't dare slice it again. I spread the cut with my fingers to see how deep it went. I would need stitches for sure.

The world slowly comes back.

"Lad, I'm going to break this door down if you don't open it!"

I panic and pull my sleeve back down. I quickly screw the slightly bloodied razor back into the pencil sharpener. I put my left hand behind my back and open the door. Arthur comes flying at me, and I quickly move out of the way. He really was going to break down the door. Arthur falls on the floor due to the force and having nothing to stop him.

"Is everything alright, lad?" He says in a scared tone of voice. I look down at my feet and bite my lip.

"O-O-Oui…" I was close to tears again.

Arthur stands up and dusts himself off. He towers over me, it was kind of scary. I feel as if he is going to yell at me. Arthur puts his hand on my shoulder and looks down at me. "Why wouldn't you open the door?"

I don't say anything. _I can't say anything._ I look away to avoid eye contact. Arthur looks over to the side and drops to his knees, shaking. His eyes widen and he looks up at me, then at my arm behind my back. He must have noticed the few droplets of blood that lay in front of my dresser. _Oh non. _He reaches out for my arm and grabs onto my forearm. He brings it out from behind my back.

The crimson liquid was still seeping through my red hoodie. He slowly pulls back the clothing and reveals my wrist. I look up at him as several tears from both of us drip to the floor.

"Matthew…" His voice trails off._That was the first time he ever remembered my name. _ I see Alfred standing in the doorway with a look of surprise and hurt. He looks like he wants to say something but he also looks as if he's holding back so he doesn't hurt me further. Arthur stares me in the eyes and doesn't say anything.

He raises his hand slowly and out of habit, I flinch and shut my eyes; preparing for a blow that won't come. He places a gentle hand on my cheek and holds it there. "I'm not going to hit you lad. I never would."He says in a light and airy tone. I open my eyes and look at him. He wasn't smiling like usual. I burst into tears and try to pull my wrist away from him but he doesn't let go. "I'm sorry... I… I…" I can't finish my sentence.

"Why, lad? Why did you do this?"

I pause, not knowing what to say. "J-Je veux aller à la maison." I say it in French because I don't want him to know what I said. I don't want him to know that I want to go home. I don't want him to feel bad. I don't want to leave Alfred.

England laughs nervously. "Sorry lad, but I don't quite know what you're saying."

I pull my arm back and it's released from Arthur's grip. I tug my sleeve back down and put my hands behind my back. "you might want to have me patch that up. I don't want you getting an infection." He holds out his hands and gets down on his knees. I take a step forward and almost fall into his arms. I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in his shoulder. He puts one arm under me and his other hand on my back. He lifts me up and carries me to the bathroom down the hall. Alfred doesn't disturb us; he goes to his room.

Arthur sets me on the edge of the sink. He pulls back my sleeve and runs the cut under water. I wince at the painful stinging sensation that arises from the cut. He wipes off my wrist with a towel and wraps some bandages around it. "Now lad, I don't want you doing this again. You could seriously hurt yourself." he says sorrowfully yet caring.

I look away and nod slowly. I guess I just needed some release. It felt kinda… well… good. I can't explain how though.

Arthur picks me back up and sets me on the floor. "Go and play with Alfred." He smiles sweetly as he leaves the bathroom. "Oh and lad," He turns back around. "I'm going to take you to the doctors later and have them stitch that up." I nod and he walks away. I walk to my room and throw my hoodie in the hamper. I stand in front of my mirror, now shirtless. I place one of my hands on my hip and turn around. I look over my shoulder and see my back in the mirror. I frown when I see some bruises that still lay on my lower back.

I sigh and turn back around. I open up my dresser drawers and take out a hoodie that is identical to the red one, except this one has a white maple leaf on the front. I don't hear the door open as I slip the hoodie over my head.

"Hey Mattie, why are there bruises on your back?"


	8. Chapter 8

"A-Alfred, I d-didn't see you come in." I puts my hands behind my back and stand nervously. _I wish I could turn invisible right now._ "W-What d-do you want Al?" My hands start to shake. Alfred frowns.

"You know what I said." Alfred crosses his arms.

I panic. _What do I tell him?_ _Oh I know! _"It's nothing Al, I fell down the stairs, but I'm okay now." I say calmly and a tad bit over excitedly. Alfred raises an eyebrow and looks at me mysteriously. He takes a few steps forward and almost glares at me.

"You're lying." He says flatly

I just stand there and my palms become sweaty. I tug at the collar of my hoodie, and look him straight in the eyes. "I'm n-not lying Al." I say nervously

"Yes you are! It's obvious!" Alfred was yelling now. I flinch slightly in fear of being hit, even though I know he won't hit me. Flinching when someone is yelling has turned into a habit over the past couple of years.

Al rushes up to me and latches onto my hoodie. "Let go!" I quietly shout as he tries to pull it off. I know he is only trying to protect me. He can protect me all he wants but he can't erase what has happened in my past. Alfred forces my hoodie completely off. In doing so, I end up falling to the floor. I sit on the floor, not bothering to stand up, with my hands covering my face, crying. Alfred stood in a heroic pose for a few seconds before he noticed me crying softly to myself.

Alfred crouches down next to me. He takes one of the blankets off of my bed and wraps it around me. Al puts his arms around my neck to try and soothe me. _I don't understand him sometimes._ "I'm sorry… I was just trying to be the hero and protect you." I don't respond.

Several minutes pass with us just sitting on the floor together. I run out of tears and instead of crying, I'm making gross choking sob noises. Alfred gives me back my hoodie which lay on the floor a few feet away from us. I slip it on over my head quickly.

"Why do you have bruises on your back, Mattie? And don't say it's from falling down the stairs because it's not."

I pause and shift slightly. I bite my lip and look over at Alfred. _He looks so innocent. I can't tell him._ _If I do tell him he'll always be worried about me and I won't be able to see Papa again. _

"Did someone hurt you?"

My thoughts immediately go to the other day. That was the day where Papa hurt me worse than before. I close my eyes and shiver. I don't want the memories to come back.

_It was around 7 ish I think. I was not in bed yet and I was waiting for Papa to get home. He promised me that he wouldn't drink this time. I was downstairs on the couch looking at a picture book with Kuma. Kuma was falling asleep on my lap. He was snoring loudly. _

_All of a sudden I hear the door burst open. Me and Kuma both perked our heads up and looked to see who it was. We were both scared. It was Papa and I tensed more when I saw him. His hair looked like a rat's nest. His clothes looked like he had slept in them. So to say, he looked a mess. That was not like him._

_Papa was drunk. I could smell the alcohol from where I was sitting. Papa was more drunk than I have ever seen him. He came into the house and barely made it in the front door. I was worried about him. _How did he get home? _I hoped he would just go upstairs and go to bed._

_He had a passive aggressive look on his face. _Oh non. Please not today. _I set the book down and I bring my legs up to my chest. I wrap my arms around them and start shivering. Papa walks over to me and sits on the couch beside Kuma. Kumajiro started to growl._

_"__Go away!" Kuma shouted at my father. He just laughed and set the bear on the floor. Kuma didn't try to bite him, the bear knew there would be consequences for that. Papa faced me and brought his hand up to my hair. He pulled at the astray curl and I let out a squeak. He laughed his signature 'honhonhon" laugh._

_He brought both of his hands down to my lower waist now. He lifted up the edge of my shirt and was reaching for the button on my jeans. He felt me shaking. He must have. Papa maneuvered me so he was straddling me. I lay beneath him, scared out of my mind. Papa shifted my jeans down so they were at my knees. He went no further than that._

_I was surprised that he didn't take me yet. He just kept staring into my eyes._

_"__You have beautiful eyes mon petit Mathieu, and you have beautiful hair just like me." He emphasized his point by running his hand through my hair again. Papa put one of his hands under my back and one under my legs. He lifted me up and carried me to my room. Papa set me on my bed. I gave him an apologetic smile for not hurting me._

_I go to fix my pants and pull them back up, but before I can, Papa grabbed onto my wrist with a tightening grip. "ah ah ah." He said as he wagged his finger back and forth. I stopped what I was doing and my eyes widened in fear. Papa picked me back up and positioned me so I was bent over. My legs dangled off of the side of the bed, not even being able to reach the ground yet._

_Papa gently put his hands at my hips and slides them down to my ankles, catching my boxers and pants. He placed his hand in the middle of my ass. He let it stay there for several moments. I was becoming slightly uncomfortable. He brought his hand up, then down hard, a loud slap noise filling the room. _

_I didn't cry out, but silent tears fell from my cheeks. I whimpered everytime he hit me._

_He spanked me again. And again. And again. _

_It had to of gone on for at least a half hour. My bottom was red and sore. More than it had ever been. He stopped for a moment. A sigh fell past my lips. Dry tears covered my cheeks. I paused for a moment when I heard the sound of a belt being undone. I turned my head and saw him pull it off in a swift motion. He swung it across my backside. I screamed out in pain. _

_Each hit seemed harder than the last. My throat hurt because of screaming so much. My backside went numb. After a little while, I started to feel a warm liquid slide down my legs. I looked back to see that blood dripped down onto the floor._

_"__Please Papa stop it!" I screamed. My entire body was shaking. He did stop. He left me in my room. Didn't bother to wipe the blood off of me, didn't bother to help me put my clothes back on, and he just left without a word. He left me to cry myself to sleep._

_I didn't get any sleep that night._

"Aye, lad, are you alright?" I hear the British accent nearby. I look up and see him standing in the doorway. I look at him curiously; he had a hurt expression on his face. I look back to Alfred and notice that he had a wet spot on the shoulder part of his shirt. Alfred looks at me and says "You started shaking and then you started to cry." I smile apologetically at him.

Arthur motions for me to follow him. I stand up and walk to the doorway where he was standing. He shuts the door behind me. I gulp and look up at him. Arthur sighs. He looks close to tears. "Are you okay?"

I avoid eye contact and nod. He puts his hand on my shoulder. "I know it's only been an afternoon but I can't let you go back there, lad."

I nod and start crying. He puts his hand on my shoulder. "It's going to be okay lad." I nod again. He waits for me to finish crying. It had to have been about 10 minutes. "Alfred is really worried about you, you know." I go to push the door open, but he stops me. "You should really tell him what happened." I nod again and go back in my room.

Alfred was lying on my bed. I force a smile. "I need to tell you something, Alfred."


	9. Chapter 9

Alfred sits up. "What is it Mattie?"

I tremble and sit next to him on the bed. I look down at my shaking hands and sigh. "I'm not exactly sure how I am going to say this."

Alfred nods. I let out a shaky breath. "I-It's about the-the bruises on my b-back." _Well… here goes nothing._ "It's also why I came to stay here… With you and Arthur."

"Does Arthur know?" I nod in response. I look over at Al; he has a bored expression on his face. He was becoming impatient. I don't say anything for a few minutes.

The sky outside is darkening slowly. I peek over at the clock. 6:20. That made sense because it was getting closer to autumn. That also gave me an excuse to wear my hoodie if i ever cut myself again. _Feeling the sharp metal blade drag across my skin was… Relieving. It made me feel better, but why? That doesn't make any sense,_

"Je veux aller a la maison, mais je ne peux pas." I say, filling the empty room. Alfred looks at me curiously, raising an eyebrow. "I want to go home, but I can't."

"Why not?"

"I'm afraid of getting hurt again." I whisper, barely loud enough for even myself to hear.

"What?"

I say it again, but almost shout it as hot tears fly down my cheeks. Alfred looks surprised. He scoots over to me and puts his arm around my shoulder. "what is that supposed to mean?" He says harshly. His actions were comforting, but his tone was not. I shift slightly.

"Papa hurt me."

That was all Alfred needed to hear before getting up and rushing out of the room. I chase after him. I grab onto his shirt and stop him from going down the stairs. "What are you doing?" I mumble.

"I'm going to give your father a piece of my mind."

"No! Stop! Please don't call him, You don't even know the whole story!" I quietly shout.

"I know enough." He snaps

"Please just let me explain." _Explaining might make it worse._

Alfred nods and stops trying to get away. He slumps and slowly walks back to my room. He sits on the bed and I sit next to him.

"Papa was always nice to me… Even after he hurt me. It was my fault anyway, so I have myself to blame for what he did."

"What did he do?"

I sigh and my hands tremble. His sickening laugh resounds in my ears, the phantom feeling of a belt whipping across my ass, and the sound of my screams filling the empty room. "He would beat me." I say so quietly that not even a mouse could hear. Alfred makes a 'hm?' sound. I repeat the sentence louder.

He gasps and leaps off the bed. He faces me. "What?! Why? I'm not letting you go back to your house if it means that you're going to get hurt. Those words hurt me more than Papa ever could. That means that I won't be able to see him again. I stand up and shove Alfred.

"Y-You c-can't do that!" I shout and run out of my room. Alfred grabs onto the back of my hoodie, flinging me back against him. He brings his arms under mine and holds them up in a full nelson. I kick and scream. "No! Let me go! I want to see Papa!" I kick the back of his shin, he drops me to the floor, and cries out in pain. "Sorry Alfred." I whisper and hurry down the stairs.

Arthur was standing by the front door. "You ready to go, lad?" I look at him curiously for a moment. I make a surprised 'Oh' sound and look down at my wrist. He was supposed to take me to the doctor's office to get my cup fixed up.

Alfred comes stomping down the stairs with an angry look on his face. "You can't let him run away!" He shouts and rushes to Arthur's side.

"What are you talking about?"

Alfred glares at me. He points his finger at me and looks up at Arthur. "He was going to run away back to his father that abuses him!" I cringe after hearing those words shoot out of Alfred's mouth. Arthur sighs and gets down on a knee. He looks me in the eyes. "You can't go home yet. I made a promise to Francis that I would protect you until you could take care of yourself. It's your choice if you want to go back home. I'm not stopping you."

I was shocked at what he said. _Would he really let me go home? I want to go home, but I probably shouldn't. It hasn't even been a full day…_

"I'm not going to run away." I whisper. Arthur stands back up and puts his hand on my shoulder. "Good." Alfred mutters. Arthur holds the door open for me. I feel something bump into the back of my heel. I turn around and smile. Kumajiro was in the doorway. He paws at my leg and I pick him up in my arms. I smile and head to the car. I get in the passenger side and buckle my seatbelt. Arthur gets in the driver side and starts the car.

The rain stopped earlier. It left that unusual after smell like it always does. It smells like fresh mowed grass and mornings, if that is a way to describe it. If I were to describe it, I would say it smells like peace, or like a mountain side. It reminds me of home.

I open my window to get more of the fresh air. Arthur exits the driveway and turns down the road. I breathe in and let out a shaky breath.

"What's wrong, lad?"

I don't respond. I rest my fingers in Kuma's fur and stare out the window; watching the scenery flash before my eyes. A few moments later, Arthur speaks up. "I was on the phone with the doctor and told him that you dropped a glass and it sliced your wrist. Is that okay, lad?"

"Oui." I nod. The rest of the car ride was silence. We arrived outside of a tall building in no less than 10 minutes. I get out of the car, England does the same, and we walk to the front. There weren't many people there. I sat in one of the waiting room chairs and put Kuma on the chair beside me. Arthur went up to the front desk and said some things to the receptionist.

England motions me over to him. I get up, picking Kuma up in my arms and walk over to him. He puts his hand on my shoulder and leads me through the hallway in the hospital. He brings me to a room. The small room looked like a normal checkup room. I sat in one of the chairs off to the side.

The room smells like sterile bandages. It had assorted medical equipment in jars such as band-aids and cotton swabs. I sigh and look over at England. He was sitting next to me, looking out the window. He had dark circles under his eyes, he wasn't sitting up straight like usual, and his clothes weren't as neat as they should be. He was stressed. So I spoke up.

"Why are you stressed?" I whisper. He looks over in my direction, and raises an eyebrow. I can pick out the words before he even says them. "It's Matthew."

"Right, Matthew. Sorry lad." He pauses before continuing. "I have a meeting tomorrow… With… Russia… To discuss business." He shudders at the name. I nod. _Who's Russia? I guess I'll find out tomorrow. _

The doctor comes in and I quickly explain to him the lie that England and I came up with. He nods and sets a few stitches into my cut. I don't think he actually believed that story, but whatever.

On the way home, Arthur took me to the grocery store to pick up some things. I asked him to buy certain things that I wanted and he did buy them. After that we headed to an Italian pizzeria to go and pick up a pizza that he ordered in advance. _Al would be happy with this._

It was around 7 when we arrived home. Alfred was excited about getting pizza. "It doesn't taste like garbage." He claimed and took about half of it for himself. I took a slice of it and sat down at the dining room table to eat it. I finished then said goodnight to Alfred and Arthur. I went upstairs, brushed my teeth, slipped into my favorite red and white pajamas, and then crawled into bed.

A thousand thoughts clouded my mind before I drifted off to sleep. _Who was this "Russia__"__? I've never heard of him before. Why did England__shudder at his name? Should I be worried?_

I fell into a peaceful sleep. At least tonight I wouldn't have to worry about being abused.


	10. Chapter 10

I wake up and yawn. Kuma was pawing at my face. I giggle and push him off. I slip my glasses on and look over at the clock. It was still early so no one would be up yet. I take a deep breath in and sit up, half expecting my lower back to explode with pain. It didn't. I smile knowing that Papa can't hurt me. I love him; I hate what he does.

I relax slightly and jump off the bed, yawning. I pick out a t-shirt, a pair of boxers, and some jeans and make my way to the bathroom. I take a towel out of one of the hall closets. I get to the bathroom, unnoticed and start taking my clothes off.

I inspect my back in the mirror. The bruises had yet to fade away. I pull off the gauze on my wrist and throw it in the trash can. I jump in the shower, and turn it on, letting the soothing cold water flow over my back. I quickly wash up and get out of the shower.

I pull my clean clothes on and wrap some new gauze around my wrist. I look down at my wrist and frown. _I can't let anyone see this._ I walk back to my room, slumping my shoulders. I slip on a hoodie and make my way downstairs.

I start making the batter for some pancakes. Even though I love cooking, I have to stand on chairs to reach the counter. I finish up making the pancakes just in time to see Alfred walk down the stairs. "WoAH A GHOST!" Alfred shouts. He screams and runs back upstairs. I sigh. _Why must he always not notice it's me?_

Arthur comes walking downstairs. He was dressed in his usual green military outfit. He smiles. "Good morning, Matthew. You're up early." He states. I nod and go back to cooking. "Would you like help with that, lad?" He asks. My eyes widen and I shake my head. I can't have him help me. He'll just screw it up.

"When will Russia be coming over?" I ask as I finish up making the pancakes, setting them all on a plate. Arthur shudders at the name. "I-In an hour or so…" He says shakily. I spot Alfred slowly making his way down the stairs. He was shaking too. "I-I-Is the g-g-ghost g-gone?" I laugh at him and nod. "There was never any ghost" I laugh.

Alfred shudders and makes his way downstairs. Everyone looks so tense today. Alfred was because he thought I was a ghost and Arthur did because someone was coming over today. I take some of the pancakes that are on the plate and divide them between three plates. I bring all three plates to the table. I go to the fridge and pull out a bottle of maple syrup that I asked England to buy for me. I go back to the table and sit in one of the chairs.

I pour maple syrup over one of the stacks of pancakes and chow down. Alfred and Dad weren't talking throughout breakfast. They just ate in silence. Arthur must be really worried about meeting with Russia.

After a little while when the kitchen was cleaned up and everyone was done eating, the doorbell rings. Arthur goes to open it with shaking hands, Alfred stands behind Arthur, holding onto his pant leg for safety, and I stand off to the side, in front of Arthur. He opens the door and is greeted by a smiling man with light, almost white hair. He was wearing a tan military jacket and had a long beige pink scarf wrapped around his neck. _This must be Russia. Why is Dad so afraid of him?_

Russia seemed to have a purple aura surrounding him. "Good morning da?" He says and sticks out his hand. England reluctantly shakes his hand. Russia looks over to me. "Who is this?" He says, leaning down, almost eye level with me.

_Wow! He actually noticed me! _"I'm Canada…" I smile at him. "But you can call me Matthew." He smiles back. "I'm Russia. You can call me Ivan." Russia stands back up.

"Please, come in." Dad says. Alfred holds onto Arthur's pant leg tighter, and his bottom lip is quivering. Dad backs out of the way of the door, and turns to Alfred. He whispers something and Alfred nods. He lets go of Dad and runs up the stairs. Arthur turns to me. "Do you want to go with him?" I shake my head.

Ivan closes the door behind him. England leads him over to the dining room table and they both take a seat across from each other. I sit at the head of the table. I prop my elbows on the table and let my chin rest on the heel of my hands. Ivan looks at me curiously. "You might want to go upstairs da? It will get boring for a little kid like you to sit here with nothing to keep you busy da?" Ivan pokes my nose.

I shake my head. "I don't mind." I say nonchalantly. He tilts his head back in laughter. _I've never known someone who could laugh that easily. _"You're really cute da?" I blush at this. "You won't understand anything we are talking about." He takes a strand of my hair and starts playing with it. I see Dad glare at the Russian man for doing this.

"I can try." I respond. I giggle as he tugs on my hair slightly. He seems completely fascinated by it. "You are not related to France by any chance, are you da?" He asks. "Oui." I nod. "He's my Papa." After saying this, Ivan looks at me curiously again. "Then why are you here and not with him?" I don't say anything and my hands start to shake. Out of the corner of my eye, I see England boiling with rage. Russia was completely oblivious to the Englishman.

Ivan's smile drops and he lets go of my hair, upon noticing my shaking hands. England jerks up, almost kicking the chair back. We both look up at England when hearing this. "Get away from him you pedophile! You're scaring him!" Arthur shouts at the Russian. Ivan looks hurt by those words. He retracts his hands to his sides and stands up. "I am not a pedophile da? We were just talking." Arthur glares at him. "You were practically molesting him with your eyes." He says through clenched teeth.

Tears run down my cheeks. "S-Stop fighting!" I quietly yell, mainly at Arthur. No one notices. The aura around Ivan seems to grow darker. He takes out a metal pipe and brings it over his head, ready to slam it down. I quickly climb off of my seat and onto the table, grabbing onto Russia's arm. My instincts take over, and I try to stop him. In doing so, I hear Dad's voice "Matthew, don't!" Russia brings his arm down when he feels me grab onto it. He doesn't swing his pipe that was aimed for England's head.

Ivan sets me on the table. He looks at me sorrowfully and wipes away the tears on my cheeks with his gloved hands. "What's wrong Matvey?" He asks. I sniffle. "Y-You were f-fighting and c-calling each other names and were going to hurt each other." I quickly say. Ivan clicks his tongue and smiles again. He puts his hand on my shoulder. _I feel a bound of energy coursing through my veins as if I was just shocked_. "I promise we won't fight anymore da?" He looks over to England. Arthur nods. _I feel my heartbeat quickening and a blush run over my cheeks. What are these feelings?_

Ivan lifts me up and sets me back in my chair. I giggle while he does that. My hands have stopped shaking. Arthur calms down slightly and sits back in his chair. "Are you sure that you don't want to go upstairs?" he sighs. I nod. Russia smiles at me and a blush creeps up on my cheeks again.

The two spent the afternoon discussing business. Russia was in the midst of cleaning up his papers and getting ready to leave. Kumajiro waddles his way over to Ivan and sniffs around Ivan's feet. "Who is this?" Ivan asks, smiling at the bear. Kuma picks his head up and looks over at Ivan. "I'm Kumajiro." Kuma climbs up the side of the chair so he can sit on my lap.

I stroke Kuma's fur. He lays down in my lap. "Can you come over again?" I blush. Ivan nods. "Da. I can." He smiles at me and finishes cleaning up his papers. "Do you have to leave now?" I ask. Ivan ruffles my hair and I giggle. "Da. I have a flight to catch." He chuckles. I whine at this. I didn't want him to leave yet. "I'll come and see you again da?"

I nod. Ivan heads out the door and waves to me on the way out. I wave back. I get off my chair to go and retrieve Alfred from the depths of his room. "Wait, lad." Arthur calls out. I turn back around and face him. He was smiling mischievously. "What is it?" I ask. Arthur leans down and smiles brighter. "You don't perhaps have a crush on him, do you?" He asks. I blush brighter and shake my head furiously. "Non!" I shriek nervously. "You do!" Arthur laughs. "Go find Alfred, will you?" I nod and head upstairs, carrying Kuma in my arms.


	11. Chapter 11

A few days have passed by. The scar on my wrist has turned into scars, but only a few. I've been thinking about if Dad will let me go and see Papa. So I decided to ask him about it later, but right now, I was playing cards with Alfred.

"Hit!" Alfred shouts over-excitedly. I flip over the next card to reveal an ace. Alfred jumps in the air screaming "Yay I win again!" Alfred was pretty darn good at this game. His cards were a jack and an ace, 21. My card was a 9. I flip over the next one to reveal an 8. I lost. Again.

Alfred picks up the deck of cards. "I know another game we can play! 52 pick up!" He throws the deck of cards up in the air. The fly all over the floor of his room while he runs away laughing. I sigh and chase after him. He was faster than me, but soon enough Arthur would probably see him running, and then scold him for "Causing a ruckus." I chuckle at the idea of it because I know Alfred would completely ignore him.

Alfred runs down the stairs, down the hallway, and into Arthur's office. He stops dead in his tracks. I run into him accidentally and we both topple over. Arthur was sitting at his desk with his head down. He didn't even notice us. I stand up and walk over to him. I place my hand tentatively on his shoulder. "W-What's wrong?" He lifts his head from his arms and looks at me curiously.

"Nothing, really. Why do you ask, lad?" Arthur's face looks worn and tired.

"You seem upset." I say with confidence. I did notice how upset he had gotten over the past few days.

"Well, if you really must know." He pauses and lifts his head up fully. Arthur leans back in the chair. "I'm stressed and I'm loathing a certain someone right now." He says cautiously. I probably knew who it was. It was Papa. I have no doubt about it. Arthur turns toward me. "I'm having trouble understanding something." He sets his hand on his chin. "Alfred, go upstairs for a moment." Alfred nods and does as he asked. Usually he would say something or fight against it but he didn't. He could probably sense the tension that was forming in the office.

After Al leaves, Arthur looks me straight in the eyes. "Why do you want to stay with him if he abuses you?" He asks. My hands start trembling. I know the answer to that question.

Papa gives me everything I need. He loves me. He notices me. He cares for me. Even if I have to be hurt, I know he'll still love me. No one else can replace him… Not even you, Arthur. He might not be the best father figure, but I need him. He keeps me safe. Well… Not necessarily safe from harm, but safe from other things. All of the things he did, they were all my fault anyway.

Several moments pass of me not saying anything. "Matthew?" He asks. "Do you believe it's your fault that he hurts you?"

My hands shake. I slowly back away from Arthur. "It is my fault!" I quietly yell, my voice cracking. Tears run down my face and fall to the floor. My knees buckle. I try to hide my face in my hands. Arthur walks over to me. He lifts me up and off of the floor. He goes and sits back in his chair, with me on his lap. I cry into his chest. He holds me and doesn't say anything.

He lets me stay in his arms until I stop crying. "Why do you want to go back to him, lad?"

I look up at him and look down towards the floor. "H-He L-Loves me even if he h-hurts me." I say after a long pause. Arthur puts his hand on the back of my neck, soothingly, and pulls me into another hug. I gladly wrap my arms around him.

Arthur made me feel safe, safer than I have ever been. I sigh and hold on tighter. "Matthew, does he act all loving and kind after he..." Arthur pauses. "Hurts you?"

"Oui." I nod. Arthur gasps and takes his arms off of me. I frown at the loss of comfort. "What?" I ask. Arthur is scowling. "You might have the Stockholm syndrome." All of the color leaves his face. I look at him curiously. "What's that?" I ask.

Arthur takes a deep breath. "It's when you have feelings of affection towards your abuser. Sort of like, if there is someone that hurts you, then after they hurt you, they give you affection and are kind to you. You start to develop feelings towards them and they get you to think that they love you so you'll return the feelings."

My face goes pale and my hands start shaking again. My whole body was trembling. "But… Papa does love me. I… I…" I want to start crying again. "He does love you. He isn't lying when he says that. He hurts you, Matthew. And then he acts kind and like he's sorry, yes?"

I nod. _This doesn't make any sense. I love Papa even if he hurts me. _"I'm concerned for your safety." Arthur says. I nod.

_I sit up in my room and I hear Papa's footsteps coming up the stairs. I hide under my covers and tremble with fear. I was scared. He was going to hurt me again._

A shiver is sent down my spine at the memory. It finally occurs to me that I'm not safe around him. I was never safe. I was always scared. "I think I understand now." I whisper. "But I still want to go back home with him."

Arthur looked shocked at my response. "W-Why?" He asks, his eyes widening. "Because I love him." I respond.

"I'm not letting you go home yet." He replies firmly. I puff out my bottom lip and look at him with sorrowful eyes. "B-But..." My voice cracks and I sound as if I'm about to cry. Arthur sighs. "You can go home, but not yet." He says quietly. A smile is brought to my face.

"When?"

"In a few weeks, lad."

I nod and wrap my arms around his neck. "You also need to promise to tell me if he hurts you."

My smile fades slowly. I nod unsurely at this. Somehow I knew that promise would be broken. Somehow I knew Papa would hurt me again. I could already feel the insecurity rising up that I had when I was with him.

"I don't want you to be hurt anymore. You can always come back here." Arthur whispers. I lean against his chest, encased in his loving hands; hands that I knew would never hurt me. "I'll keep you safe." He smiles and holds me closer. I smile too. It was one of the few real smiles that I've had in a while. I didn't want this moment to end.

**Author's note**

**I want to give a special shout out to Alexandrite-Raven for reviewing on every chapter. Reviews make me really happy :3**


	12. Chapter 12

It has been several weeks since I first arrived here. Arthur was letting me go home today. I was really excited to see Papa. I spent the whole morning packing up my things and getting ready to leave. I couldn't wait to go back home!

…

I sit at the dining room table with Al. My bag was resting on the floor. We were chatting. Apparently, he was upset that I was leaving. I kept telling him that I would come back and see him sometime so we could hang out together. But he wouldn't listen. "Mattie, I don't want you to go home yet!"

"Sorry, Alfred. I'll be back to come visit soon." I say cheerily, with a smile plastered on my face. Alfred makes a disgruntled whining noise and keeps poking my arm. I try my best to ignore him. He wasn't going to stop anytime soon. Kumajiro glares at him for me so I don't have to.

Arthur was busying himself by making pastries, although I doubt he was doing a good job. He sets a small plate down in front of me and one in front of Alfred. On the plate was a pastry of some sort and it was slightly burnt. I cautiously take a bite of it and gag. It was so bland. It's not even funny how bland it was. It was like trying to eat a piece of paper.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Dad glare at me. "You could at least pretend it's good." he mumbles. I hold my hand over my mouth to contain my laughter. Alfred starts laughing too. Dad glares at both of us but we keep laughing. It was so funny when he attempted to cook.

All of a sudden the doorbell rings. "Francis isn't supposed to come until later. I wonder who that could be." Arthur goes to answer the door. When he opens it, he is shocked to see Russia standing there. "W-What are you doing here?" He blurts out.

"I came to see Matvey, da?" He says, smiling. I stand up and run over to the door. "Salut Ivan!" I wrap my arms around his waist. He was really tall compared to me, and I was short compared to him. So to say, my head reached halfway up his chest. Ivan puts one hand on my shoulder and one hand on the back of my head.

"You seem excited, da?" He asks. I pull back from the hug and step aside so he can come in. "Oui! I'm very excited! Papa is coming to take me home today!" Ivan sits at the table and I sit across from him.

We spent at least an hour talking to each other. Arthur retreated upstairs a while ago. "You are really cute da?" Ivan says, his fingertips grazing the ends of my hair. I blush and look away, trying to avoid his eyes. "Here, da?" He takes a sunflower out of his jacket and hands it to me. I blush harder and gently take the sunflower from his hands. "Merci." I say, smiling nervously.

_He's letting me keep this? _We look into each other's eyes for a few moments. I want to say something but no English came to mind. So I'm left speaking in flustered French. "P-Pourquoi d-donnez-vous ce à m-moi?" I whisper. Ivan raises an eyebrow. "What did you say, Matvey?"

I don't respond. I just smile at him and bite my lip. My heartbeat was quickening. "Why are you giving this to me?" I whisper. Ivan smiles and cocks his head to the side. "You remind me of a sunflower. You are cheerful, you smile, and you brighten my day. Just like a sunflower da?"

I smile brighter at this. "No one has ever said something that nice to me before. Merci." I look away, a deep crimson spread across my cheeks. Even though Russia was older than me, he looked like he was lost for words. I look at the sunflower that rests in my small hands. I run my fingers over the petals. It looked exactly how Ivan described it.

The sunflower had large smooth petals and was a bright, bright yellow. It did look cheerful. This flower was obviously important to him. Well, sunflowers in general were important to him. I get off my chair, flower still in hand, and I walk over to Ivan. I climb on his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. "Merci beaucoup!" I quietly shout.

Ivan returns the gesture. He sets his hands on my back, and holds me closer. "I am glad you like it." He says smiling.

The doorbell rings, but whoever was there, didn't wait for Arthur to open the door. The door was opened slowly at first, but them was slammed open. All that was heard was a horrified French gasp. "Mathieu!" The Frenchman runs into the house and pulls me away from Ivan. I drop the sunflower when he does this.

I whine at the sudden disturbance. Ivan stands up, and glares at Papa. I squirm slightly in Papa's arms and try to wiggle free. He was holding me bridal style and was holding me tight. He starts to yell at Ivan in French, then goes over to English. "What were you doing to my son?!"

Ivan looks to the floor. "Nothing. We were just talking, da?" he mumbles. Unshed tears rest in my eyes. Ivan was slumping his shoulders and keeping his eyes down. He looked upset, but his eyes said rage. There was a deepening purple aura surrounding him. He looks as if he was ready to explode, but he just stands there and took the hurtful words that Papa said to him.

I was full on crying now. Papa ran out of insults to use. He sits down in one of the chairs. He starts running his hands through my hair soothingly. "Mathieu..." He coos. "Shhh… Calm down, okay?" He says, his voice being extremely soft and caring. It reminded me of how he would use that same voice after he raped me. This only made me cry harder.

"Maybe if you set him on the floor, he would stop crying. da?" Ivan suggests as he sits back down. Papa sends Ivan a nasty glare. I hear feet coming down the stairs, and my crying quiets down a little; after hearing Arthur's voice.

"What the bloody hell is going on?" Both Papa and Ivan look up. Both of them relax slightly. Both of them don't say anything. Arthur joins us at the table. "Why are you crying, lad?" He asks. I sniffle and wipe some of the tears from my eyes. "I-I was g-giving I-Ivan a h-hug and Papa came in and s-started to y-yell at h-him." I quietly shout, more tears springing to my eyes.

"Put him down." Arthur glares at Papa. Papa listens to him without a second thought. He set me on the floor. I completely wipe all of the tears away. I walk to behind Ivan's chair and pick up the sunflower. I sit in one of the chairs; the one next to Ivan. Papa glares at me and my hands start to tremble. _I don't want to be punished later._

"What happened while I was upstairs?" Arthur asks, looking between Papa and Ivan. Ivan speaks up and explains a shortened version of what happened. Arthur sighs then walks over to me. He leans down to my ear. "He did not _touch _you or anything of that sort, correct?" Arthur whispers with a harsh low tone. "He didn't. I was the one who hugged him." I whisper back. Arthur relaxes and goes back to his seat.

"Francis, why did you start yelling at him?" Arthur scowls. Francis stands up and points at Ivan. "He was smothering my child! I do not approve of this… this… relationship! How did this even start?!"

"It started when Russia and I were having a business meeting." Arthur says in a rather flat tone. "He stayed with us during our meeting and.. well… took a liking towards Ivan." Arthur winks at me and my face goes red. Papa glares at Ivan.

"We'll be going now." Papa says with harshness. "On y va Mathieu." He looks over at me and starts walking to the door. I tremble in fear and don't move. Kumajiro comes up beside my chair. "L-Let's go." The bear says with a shaky voice. I look at Ivan and tentatively slide out of my seat. Ivan shakes his head. _He doesn't want me to go. Should I, or shouldn't I? I want to go back with Papa… I'm just… Afraid…_

I hold the sunflower tightly in one hand and pick up my bag from the floor. I see Papa stomp out of the door and go to his car. I turn to Ivan. "Papa won't let you come and see me…" I say, a tear slipping down my cheek. Ivan wipes it away with his thumb. He takes a piece of paper and a pen out of his jacket and scribbles something on it. "Here Matvey… Call me if you need anything, da?" I nod and take the paper from him.

I walk to the door, Kumachiki following at my heels. Before I could leave, Arthur pulls me aside and leans down. He wraps his arms around me. "Are you sure everything will be alright when you get home?" He whispers, quiet enough so Ivan can't hear. I nod. "So help me god, if he hurts you I will be right over to come and take you back here. I don't want him hurting you and you need to tell me if he does. Just know you are always welcome back here." Arthur has tears in his eyes. He stands back up. "Alfred come say goodbye." He shouts.

I hear footsteps making their way down the stairs. Ivan walks over to me and England. "Can I say goodbye too, da?" Arthur nods and steps back. Ivan ruffles my hair and I laugh. He hugs me. Ivan glances to the side, and when Arthur isn't looking, he lightly kisses my forehead. I giggle and my cheeks flare up. "Goodbye Matvey… I'll see you again sometime, da?" I nod and giggle again. Ivan stands off to the side.

Soon enough those footsteps from the stairs come running to into me. Alfred wraps his arms around me tightly and is partly crying. "I'll miss you!" He says through tears. "Al…" I cough. "Al, you're choking me." He lets go of me and whispers a quick 'sorry.' I laugh and separate myself from them. I turn to leave and wave to them on my way out. I walk to the awaiting car, slightly shaking. Kuma follows at right at my heels. I open the back door and put my stuff in the backseat. Kuma and I climb on the seat up front. I was still holding the sunflower.

Papa was grimacing and he kept staring straight ahead. He didn't even acknowledge me. We drove home in silence. When we did get home, Papa went straight inside and slams the door shut. He didn't even wait for me. I gather up my things and head inside. "Go to your room." Papa scowls. I go upstairs and set my things on my floor.

Papa was upset at me. Arthur's words from a few weeks ago travel through my mind. _He does love you. He isn't lying when he says that. He hurts you, Matthew. And then he acts kind and like he's sorry, yes? _I don't think he's going to be sorry this time.

Papa comes hurrying up the stairs. He slams my door open. He was angrier than I have seen him before. _I don't understand. I didn't do anything._ He walks up to me and rips the sunflower out of my hands and smacks me hard across the face. I scream and cover my cheek with my hands. Kumajiro jumps off the bed and hides underneath it; I could just imagine what he looked like. His paws were covering his ears and he was whimpering; wanting it all to go away.

Papa slipped off his belt and beat me until he got tired. Every lash against my skin was filled with anger.


	13. Chapter 13

It has been many years since I last saw Ivan. It was that one day where he gave me his sunflower. I have called him before, but only when I needed to feel release other than cutting. Papa has found me talking to Ivan a few times. He made me hang up and then he would punish me after. The punishments have dwindled down from almost every other day, to twice a week, to once a week, and to once every two weeks. He punished me less but made the pain worse.

In all of those years, I never called Arthur. I never let him save me. I wish I did, because my young body couldn't take all the abuse.

I now look the age of 15. I was thinking of running away from home, and living on my own, but Papa would find me and punish me again. The punishments weren't that bad. I could deal with them.

…

I sit on my bed and lean to the side, flopping over. Tears spill out of my eyes. _I can't do this anymore…_ Fresh blood drips from my wrist. _Cutting isn't helping the pain I feel inside. It usually does. _I hold a piece of paper in one hand, and the now dried sunflower in the other hand. Both of my hands were shaking. This paper had Ivan's cell phone number on it. I already memorized the number, but having the paper in my hands helped me feel closer to him.

I need to call him. I need to hear his voice. _I need him._ I quickly wrap bandages around my bleeding wrist. I get up find the nearest phone. I bring the phone to my wrist and curl up on my bed. I hold my knees to my chest and dial the numbers. "I-I-Ivan?"

"Matvey?"

"C-Can y-you c-come o-over? P-Papa isn't g-going t-to be h-home until t-tomorrow." My voice trembles and a new stream of tears cascade down my cheeks. I shouldn't be left alone with my own thoughts.

"Da I will be right over." His voice is firm and caring. I let out a sigh of relief and Ivan hangs up. _At least I'll be safe for now. _I lay on my bed and cry until I have no more tears left. I end up crying myself to sleep.

I wake up upon hearing the doorbell ring. I crawl from my bed and down the stairs. I open the door to see Ivan standing there. My knees go weak and I fall into him, crying in his chest. Ivan wraps his arms around me. He picks me up bridal style. Ivan comes inside and closes the door behind him. He carries me upstairs and to my room.

Ivan holds me tightly. He holds me until I calm down and stop crying. I lean into him, breathing in his scent. I felt safe around him. Ivan entwined his fingers through my hair. He whispers something to me in Russian "YA lyublyu tebya". I had no idea what it meant but Ivan was smiling with a blush covering his cheeks.

"What did you say?" I ask him.

"I am not telling you." He shakes his head and smiles more. Deep down I could probably guess what that meant. I had a feeling inside of me that it meant something special. Without thinking I lean up and kiss the Russian on the cheek.

"Je t'aime aussi." I whisper, barely audible, blood running to my cheeks. Ivan smiles sweetly. He takes his hand and lifts my chin up so we are both looking into each other's eyes. He presses a kiss on my lips. I lean into the kiss. After several moments we both pull away. His lips fit perfectly in mine.

I move away and shift uncomfortably. I glance at Ivan, who is still smiling at me. Ivan drapes his arm around my shoulders and leans against me. I kiss him again. I lick his lips and he opens his mouth, letting his tongue glide over mine. I moan quietly and deepen the kiss. _I want this. I want Ivan. I need him._

Ivan pushes me back, separating us. I whine at the loss of contact. "Are you sure you want this, Matvey? You are still young." He said, a slight edge was in his voice. I contemplate whether to say yes or no. I don't know why I want this... I just do. _I need release that isn't cutting. No one knows I cut besides Arthur and Alfred. Papa never noticed, and I won't let Ivan know._

I nod slowly. I grab onto Ivan's scarf and pull him closer to me. I press my lips against his and initiate a kiss again. I run my hands down Ivan's chest. I slip my hands under his jacket and feel his soft skin. Ivan does the same. He pushes on my shoulders, laying me flat against the bed. Ivan grabs the edge of my hoodie and pulls it upwards, to take it off.

I stop him before he can take it off. _I can't let him see. _"D-Don't take my hoodie off." I whisper and give him a sorrowful look. "I understand." He nods. After an awkward moment of silence, we continue to kiss and grope each other. We were both hard at this point.

We were both sitting on the bed, our limbs entwined with each other. I had an idea. I push the Russian down on the bed and reach for his belt. I slowly but surely undo the buckle. I pop the button on his pants and pull down the zipper. Ivan looks at me curiously. "Do you want to do this, Matvey? You don't have to."

I nod. I pull his pants down a bit, along with his boxers. My eyes widen at the size of him. I wrap my lips around his cock and start bobbing my head up and down. I hear Ivan's moans and it makes me go faster. I pull away then run up the sides of his cock with my tongue. I suck on the head of his cock and with a load moan, Ivan quickly cums in my mouth. I swallow the fluids.

"That can't have been your first blowjob, da?"

_I can't let him know what Papa did to me._ "Oui. It was." I lie. _It really wasn't my first time doing that. I've been throat fucked and forced to pleasure Papa._

"Let me return the favor." Ivan says as he puts himself back in his pants. I blush and nod quickly. We trade spots so I'm the one sitting on the bed and Ivan is the one kneeling between my legs. He takes the zipper of my jeans and pulls it down with his teeth. He pops the button out and slides my dick out of my boxers. Ivan kisses the head then brings the full length into his mouth.

I moan loudly as Ivan sucks me off. I'm moaning a bit too loudly so I don't hear the front door open up and someone walking inside. I was close to cumming. _He sure knows how to use his tongue! I've never felt this much pleasure before. Hell, I haven't even felt pleasure before. _My bedroom door snaps open. I turn my head to the side to see Papa standing in the doorway. I quickly move away from Ivan and fix my pants.

I stand up and try to explain. "I-I didn't think you were coming home until tomorrow." I say even quieter than I would usually speak. Papa glares at me then at Ivan, who has now stood up. "Get. Out." Papa growls. I move in front of Ivan and speak up before he can. "He's staying."It felt good to stand up to Papa… Even though I probably shouldn't.

Papa walks up to me and glares at me.. "You're underage Mathieu. I want him out of here." He says through clenched teeth. I stand up taller, I finally have the confidence to defend myself. I can't let him hurt me or take away someone that I love. "You never cared that I was undera-" I was abruptly stopped. Papa backhanded me and it almost sent me to the floor. Tears brim my eyes and I cover my cheek with my hands.

Ivan moves past me and shoves Papa. Ivan slams his fist against Papa's jaw and takes his pipe out of his jacket. He whacks the pipe against Papa's side, and then kicks him to the ground. Ivan stands over Papa. He places his foot on his chest and his pipe on Papa's throat. "How dare you hurt him like that." He presses the pipe harder against my father's throat, cutting off his air supply.

I grab onto Ivan's wrist and try to pull him away. "Stop! He can't breathe!" I plead. Ivan looks over to me and slowly lifts up the pipe. It was still pressing against his throat but not that hard. "Matvey, I am taking you home with me." Ivan says. "Non! He's staying here!" Papa yells. Ivan presses his foot harder into his chest.

"But…" _If I stay here, he'll hurt me. _I stand firmly and look down at Papa. "I'm going with him." I say with confidence. I won't let him hurt me 's eyes widen. "Comment? Tu ne peux pas…"

I scowl at him. "I can and I will."

Papa struggles under Ivan's foot, trying to get free. "I won't let you!" He screams "What about all of the care and love I gave you?" His voice softens and he looks close to tears. _He really is upset about me leaving. Maybe I should stay…_

I hang my head to the side. "You never cared for me." I mutter.

"What? I've always cared for you." Papa had a sorrowful look on his face.

I glare at him. "You may have loved me but you never cared for me. You hurt me in a way that I won't ever be able to forget." I look away from him. "I can't forgive you for this."

Several moments of silence pass by. Ivan removes the pipe from Papa's throat and takes his foot off of his chest. Papa stands up, wincing. He leaves the room. I gather some of my things and find Kuma hiding under my bed. "Hey Kumachiki It's okay, you can come out now." Kumajiro stops shaking and walks over to me. He climbs into my arms.

Ivan takes the bag that I packed in one hand and takes my hand in the other. "Let's go, da?" He asks. I nod. Before we leave, I remember to grab the sunflower that Ivan gave me years ago.

We left without saying goodbye.


	14. Chapter 14

Living with Ivan these past few days have been the best. I didn't have to be afraid anymore. Papa can't hurt me. Papa has called Ivan several times while drunk. He kept begging for me to come home. A little piece of me was hurt each time he called because he sounded so heartbroken. He wanted me back; living with him. I couldn't go back.

Lithuania, Latvia, and Estonia took care of the house for Ivan. They cooked and cleaned. They were technically maids for him. I found it amusing that they were afraid of Ivan.

…

I wake up in the late morning and reach over to the nightstand and put my glasses on; only to find that the spot next to me is empty. There was a note with a dwarf sunflower attached to it. I pick up the note.

_I had to go out and get something. I will be back later._

_-Ivan_

I sigh and crawl from the bed. _Kumajiro must be downstairs getting breakfast._ I walk over to the bathroom while tugging off my long sleeved pajama top. I slip off my pants and boxers. I tear the bandages from my wrist and flush them down the toilet. _I can't let him know._ I jump in the shower and turn the water on. The warm water was relaxing.

I pour some shampoo in my hand and rub it all over my hair. The suds flutter down the drain. I notice something. The water was slightly tainted red. I look up to shower head. Nothing. I look down at my wrist. My scars opened up and were bleeding. _Mon Dieu. Mon Dieu. Mon Dieu. Ivan will see these. _I hold my wrist under the water. It stings at first.

The door to the bedroom is opened. Ivan walks in then pushes the door to the bathroom open. "Matvey~ I am back." He says cheerfully. I mentally panic. _What do I do? _

"H-Hey I-Ivan." I whisper.

"Can I join you?" He smiles. Ivan slips off his jacket and hangs it on a hook in the bathroom door.

"N-N-Non!" I yell. _I can't let him know…_ A few hot tears slip down my cheeks, running down the drain. My wrist was still bleeding.

"Is something wrong Matvey?" His usual cheerful tone dropped and turned to something more caring. He grabs onto the shower curtain and tries moving it to the side. I stop him before he can. "I-Ivan, n-nothing is wrong." My voice was shaky and my hands were trembling.

"Why are you scared?" He asks.

"I'm n-not s-scared…" My fingers were starting to prune, but I can't get out with Ivan standing right there. I really wish I locked the door.

"Nyet. You are scared. What's wrong?" Ivan sounded really worried now. It hurt me to not be able to tell him.

"I don't want to tell you…" I whisper. I turn the shower off and wipe some of the water off of my face. I reach out of the shower and grab my red and white maple leaf towel from the floor. Ivan picks up the end of the towel and doesn't let go. He gives it a hard tug causing me to drop it.

"I am not going to give this to you unless you tell me what is wrong." Ivan says smugly. I glare at him from behind the shower curtain, although the glare wasn't that menacing because I was crying slightly.

"Ivan, I'm not going to tell you so please give me back my towel." I cross my arms over my chest.

Ivan smirks. "Then I guess you are not getting it back."

I sigh and lean against the wall in the shower. The blood on my wrist clots. I hold my wrist out in front of me and look closely at one of the cuts. It was infected. _Damn it._ I sigh again and wipe some of the tears off of my cheeks. I snap my head to the side upon hearing a gasp.

Ivan had peered through the curtain and saw the cuts on my wrist.

He pulls me out of the shower and drapes my towel over me. He runs my cuts under cold water from the sink and quickly wraps some bandages around them. Ivan brings me out of the bathroom and points to the bed. "Sit." He demands. I do as he told me and hug my towel closer around my small body.

"Matvey…" Ivan looks close to tears. He didn't say anything more. He just sat next to me and wrapped his arms around me. I leaned against him and we stayed like this for several minutes. Ivan spoke up. "Why did you do this to yourself?" He asks.

I sigh and don't say anything. I can't tell him about what happened to me. We sit together in silence for a few more minutes.

…

_"__Papa please don't hurt me! I'm sorry!" I cry as he came into my room late one night. He stood in the doorway and didn't say anything. He looked a little hurt when I peeked up at him from under my covers. _

_"__I'm not going to hurt you mon cher Mathieu."_

_I stopped shaking somewhat but was still scared. Papa walked into my room and sat on the foot of my bed. He started to cry and kept saying how sorry he was that he had hurt me. I sat there and didn't say anything. sorry didn't help the pain I felt daily. He said that he would try and drink less so he won't hurt me. _

_He did end up drinking less. He punished me less too… Just like he said he would._

…

I start to cry and slowly inch away from Ivan. I get out of his grasp and stand up. I slip my clothes on and sit back down next to him. Silent tears fall from my eyes.

"Why?" Ivan asks as he takes my wrist in his hands. I shiver under the soft touch. "I-I'm not ready to tell you." I say and pull my wrist from him. I look away. Ivan takes his hand under my chin and makes me look him in the eyes. Ivan presses a soft kiss to my lips. "I do not want you to hurt yourself anymore. So you will not, da?" He whispers, our lips touching.

"I can't promise you that I won't." My voice was quieter than a mouse. "Try?" He asks. I nod.

Ivan kisses me again, I kiss back this time. I press both my hands to Ivan's chest and slip my tongue in Ivan's mouth. Our tongues fight for dominance. Ivan slips his hands under the hem of my hoodie. We both moan into the kiss.

We spend the next few minutes groping each other and fighting for clothes to come off. I was beneath Ivan, fully stripped, and he was above me, with just his boxers on. _There is no way that I am letting him top me._ I sit up so I'm sitting against the headboard. I take off Ivan's boxers and quickly scoot out from under him.

I was now behind him and he was on his knees in front of me. Ivan gets off his knees and faces me; giving me a look that says 'seriously?' I give him an apologetic look back. I press my hands against his chest and push him down on the bed. He grabs my hands and pushes me back. Ivan throws himself at me and was nipping and licking my neck, making me melt under his touch.

He successfully gets me underneath him. He presses a finger in my hole and I make a loud yelping noise. "Non! S-Stop!" I whisper, barely audible. Ivan stops immediately and backs away. "Are you nervous?" He asks me. I shake my head.

"I don't want to be bottom." I look away from him.

"Why not?" He asks.

"Because I just don't." I cross my arms over my chest. Ivan puts his hands on my shoulders and kisses me. I sit up and move out from under him. I sit on the edge of the bed. Ivan sits behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. I lean against him. I turn around and face Ivan. My legs were straddling his. I kiss and suck on his neck, leaving several hickeys.

Ivan leans down so that he is on his back and I'm on top of him. He kept trying to push me off but I wouldn't let him. Neither of us wanted to be bottom but we both wanted to have sex with each other. I straddle his chest and hold his arms down above his head.

"Stop struggling or I'll tie your hands together." I say fiercely. Ivan looks at me curiously. _Why did I just say that? That sounded like something my father said to me. _

…

_Papa was leaning over me. I was under him. I was older, around the age of thirteen. Papa slapped me and yelled at me to stop fighting it. He was trying to get my pants off but I didn't let him. I didn't want to be raped. _

_"__Stop struggling or I'll tie your hands together!" He shouted at me as I kept pushing him away. That night I probably left a few bruises on his arms. Papa slapped me hard across the cheek. He tried holding my hands down but I kept getting them free. He eventually did tie my hands together. He raped me brutally._

…

A tear slips down my cheek and on to Ivan's chest. I open my mouth to speak but there seemed to be a lump in my throat that kept me from saying anything. I move off of Ivan and tug my hoodie on over my head.

"Where are you going?" Ivan asks, sitting up.

I look over at him and pull on my boxers. "T-To the bathroom." Without another word and before he can stop me, I rush out of the bedroom and leap down the stairs to the nearest bathroom.

I turn on the faucet and splash water on my face. I look in the mirror and I see my reflection. I notice how my eyes are bloodshot and there are bags under my eyes. I looked tired and cold. I was broken. I break down and start to cry. I repeat the same thing over and over again. "I am not like my father." But the longer I looked into the mirror the more of him I could see. There is a special pocket in the hem of my hoodie that I kept a razor in. I take it out of the small pocket and pull up my sleeve. I rip the bandages off and slice my wrist. The more cuts I make, the more of me and the less of him I see in the mirror.

Small fresh cuts litter my forearm. The pain slowly flitters away. I hear some scratching at the door and open it only to find Kumachiki standing there. I let him in the bathroom and shut and lock the door. I sit on the floor and let the bear crawl in my lap. "What am I going to do?" I ask him.

"Who?" He nuzzles my hand.

"Canada, Your owner." I smile at him. We always forget each others names.

"Tell him." He says.

"I can't."

"You will have to sooner or later."

I sigh. Kuma was right. I will have to tell him. I hear a faint 'click' noise and the door opens. Ivan comes in the bathroom, with his clothes back on. I look up at Ivan with a blank expression. He looked close to tears. Ivan picks me up off of the floor and runs my wrist under the already running water from the faucet.

"I waited for you for ten minutes. I was worried, Matvey."

"I… Desolè." I look down at the floor. It was amazing how he took care of me without a second thought. Ivan lets go of my wrist then picks up my razor from the sink and puts it in his pocket.

"I am going to take this from you, da?" He crosses his arms over his chest. Ivan really didn't want me to do this to myself.

"Non! You don't understand. I need it!" I was close to crying again. Ivan takes both of my hands in one of his. He looks deeply into my dark blue eyes. Ivan kisses my cheek. "You could tell me what is wrong, da? Then you wouldn't have to do this to yourself."

"I don't want to tell you." He kisses me on the lips.

"Why not?" Ivan put his other hand on my lower back and brought me closer to him.

I avoid his eye contact. "Because I don't want you to treat me differently... And I don't need you severely injuring anyone." I whisper that last part. _I feared that he would pity me._

"I am not going to treat you differently, da? So just tell me what happened."

"Non!" I break away from his arms and rush out of the bathroom. Tears drip onto the floor as I run up the stairs. Ivan was following me. I made it to our room and locked the door behind me. I lean against the door and slide down it as I hug my knees to my chest.


	15. Chapter 15

I cry into my arms. I didn't want him to know what happened. He didn't need to know. But how long can I keep it from him? There was a quiet knock on the door. I ignore it and go back to crying. "Matvey, you will open the door now, da?"

"Non!" I yell. "How did you even get the bathroom door open?" I wipe the tears away with my sleeve and sniffle.

"I picked the lock." He responds. Even if he picks the lock, I'm still not opening the door. I get up from leaning against the door and go into the bathroom. My wrist had stopped bleeding but I should probably wrap it with some gauze if it starts bleeding again. I fish around the bathroom cabinet and pull out some bandages. I wrap them around my wrist and pull my sleeve back down.

I leave the bathroom and jump, face first, onto the bed. I pull the pillows closer to me and scream into one of them. The pillow masked the noise but Ivan still heard it. "Are you okay, Matvey?" He asks, knocking on the door again.

"Oui, I'm fine." I really wasn't fine. I hear the phone ring and reach to pick it up from the night stand. Someone picked it up before me, most likely one of the three Baltic States. I sigh and bring the blanket over my head. There was an even quieter, more polite knock on the door.

"Matthew, it's for you." Lithuania's voice echoes through the door. "Can I come in, Matvey?" Ivan asks.

"Non." I say as I reach for the phone. When I press it to my ear I hear England's faint voice and some crying going on. "Matthew, is that you? I've been having trouble dealing with Francis."

I cringe at the name. "What is it?" I ask.

"Well… You see, he won't leave, won't stop crying and-" It sounded as if the phone was ripped from him. I was then cascaded with crying and begging. "Please come home Mathieu! Je suis desolè!" He cries into the phone. This was the worst possible time for him to call.

"Papa, I can't come home." My voice cracks. I clutch the phone with both hands and try not to tear up. This was heartbreaking.

"I promise I won't hurt you anymore! S'il vous pl-" Arthur must have taken the phone back. "Sorry, lad. He really wants you to come home. We could even be a family again. All four of us." Arthur pleads. He also wants me to come home. _But what if Papa decides to hurt Alfred? I could never live with myself if that happened. _

"Even Alfred wants you to come back."

I gasp quietly upon hearing this. _I don't want Papa to hurt me, but I want to go home._ "D-Dad... I-I don't know if I can come back."

"W-What do you mean?"

"I don't want Papa to hurt me anymore."

"He won't. I promise. Please come home."

"I don't think I can call that place 'home' anymore." I hang up the phone without another word; slightly surprised at myself for saying that. _Should I go back?_ They wanted me to come back. Tears creep up on me and I cry into the pillow.

There was another knock on the door. "Matvey, I'm coming in, da?" I hear the faint click of the doorknob. Ivan stands in the doorway and I throw a pillow at him. Ivan doesn't even flinch. He sits on the edge of the bed and puts his hand on my shoulder.

"Who was on the phone?" He asks and leans closer to me. I glare at him and move away. I wanted to be left alone right now.

"It was Arthur. He wants me to come home." I sit up and wipe my eyes with my sleeve. "He said that we could be a family again; Arthur, Alfred, Francis, and I."

I end up crying into his chest and wrapping my arms around him. "I don't know what to do." I scream into him. I still haven't told him what Papa did to me.

"Why can't you go home?" He ran his hands down my back.

"I just don't want to." I wanted to say 'I can't tell you' or I wanted to tell him what happened.

"How about you go home for a little while then come back here, da?"

"Oui. I'll go back tomorrow." I look up at him. "Will you come with me? Just to drop me off there?"

Ivan nods and holds me closer. He kisses my nose. I pull away from him. After a few moments, I sit on the edge of the bed. Ivan sits next to me. "Do you want to do anything later?" He asks.

I shake my head and sigh. I want to be left alone for the rest of the day. I got up and went downstairs. I go to the kitchen and open the fridge, hoping to find some food. I haven't eaten all morning and I was starving. I whip up some pancake batter. I pour some batter into a pan. I end up making about 12 pancakes. _That's way too much for me._ I think to myself. I take a few from the stack and put them onto a different plate.

I get some maple syrup from the fridge and pour them onto the pancakes. I take my plate and a fork to the dining room table and start eating them. Ivan walks down the stairs. He sits across from me at the table.

"Is something wrong?" Ivan asks me as he gently places his hand over mine.

"I'm just worried. No big deal." I smile at him. It was one of those fake smiles that said 'I'm not okay and you should be worried.'

"What are you worried about?"

"My family." I lower my voice and look away. All Ivan responded with was "Oh…" I pull my hand away and let it droop at my side. I finish eating my pancakes and I carry my plate to the sink. We needed to do something that got our minds off of depressing things.

_I have an idea! _I run up to Ivan. I wrap my arms around his neck and nuzzle my cheek in his soft silvery blonde hair. "Let's have a snowball fight!"

Ivan looks at me and then stands up. He must have thought I was crazy. "Now, da?" He asks. I nod and hug him tighter. Ivan hugs me back. I pull back from the hug after a few minutes. I grab his hand and drag him to the front door. I open the door and I'm immediately bombarded with the cold air. Ivan looked perfectly fine. He was already putting on some gloves that were in his pocket.

I wrap my arms around myself, trying to get warm. I look up at him and stick out my bottom lip. He chuckles and pokes my nose. "You will need a coat and some gloves, da?"

I nod. He scoops me up and carries me bridal style inside. He sets me on the couch. "I will be right back." He says as he heads upstairs. I lie down on the couch and close my eyes. Suddenly, I hear two voices talking in a hushed whisper. I stand up and creep towards the voices. I lean against the wall and peek around it to see Lithuania and Latvia talking with each other.

"Canada is leaving tomorrow." Lithuania says.

"Who?"

"Matthew, the boy. He's leaving." Lithuania sounded kind of sad when he said that.

"What? I don't want to go back to living with creepy Mr. Russia." Latvia had tears in his eyes. He looked scared.

"I don't want to either. He made Mr. Russia happier and that made Mr. Russia bother us less."

I hear Ivan's footsteps coming down the stairs. I quickly return to my spot on the couch before he notices. Ivan sits next to me on the couch and hands me some gloves, a coat, and some boots. I slip on the boots. They were a little too big, but that was fine. It wasn't like I was going to die or anything. The gloves fit perfectly and the coat was a little too big also.

Ivan kisses my cheek and chuckles. "You look cute." He says and pulls me into a hug. I blush and smile at him while pulling away from the hug and standing up.

"Let's go." I say as I run out the door. Somehow I could tell that Ivan was frowning at me from behind. I was right about that because once we got outside, he shut the front door and asked if anything was wrong. I froze when he asked that.

I stand perfectly still. _What did he do to the Baltic States__to make them hate living here? _Well, of course I couldn't ask that. It would make Ivan upset. _Then what do I say?_ I take a deep breath and relax a little. _Maybe I should just tell him what Lithuania__and Latvia__said… But I wouldn't want Ivan to be upset at them either. He can just be so unpredictable sometimes. The truth probably won't hurt…_

"I heard Lithuania and Latvia talking and I feel guilty."

"Why do you feel guilty?" Ivan looked worried. He stands beside me and drapes his arm around my shoulder.

"Because I'm leaving tomorrow."

"Oh." Is all Ivan says. I run from him so I'm facing him. I smirk as I pick up some snow from the ground and throw it at him. The snowball hits him in the forehead. I laugh loudly as Ivan stands there, looking shocked, and not knowing what to do. He scoops some snow from the ground and throws a large snowball at me. It hits me in the chest.

We spent the entire afternoon having a snowball fight. Kumachiki joined us outside after a little while. The three of us built a snowman together, but it ended up toppling over because Kuma wanted to try and climb on top of it. We were outside until the sun started to set.

We go inside and shed our wet coats, boots, and gloves. Kuma scurries up the stairs. He was probably going to get under the covers of mine and Ivan's bed and fall asleep. I sat down on the couch and Ivan went into the kitchen. He returns a few minutes later with two cups of hot chocolate in his hands. He set the cups on the coffee table and sat next to me.

I leaned against Ivan and he ran his hands through my hair. We cuddled while watching television. The shows were in Russian so I couldn't understand them. That was okay. I was content just sitting here with Ivan. I fell asleep in his arms.

…

I woke up in Ivan's bed. He must have brought me here when I fell asleep. I roll over to my side and see Ivan, wide eyed, and looking at me with worry. I rub my eyes. "What's wrong, Ivan?"

Ivan avoids my gaze. "You were saying things in your sleep."

I silently freak out. "L-Like w-what?"

Ivan sighs lowers his voice. "You were saying things like 'I'm sorry papa' and 'please stop.' Is there something you aren't telling me?" Ivan raises an eyebrow.

Tears flood my eyes. I move out from under the covers and sit on the edge of the bed. I let out a slow shaky breath and cover my eyes with my hands; wiping away the tears. Ivan scoots behind me and drapes his arms around my neck. He rests his chin on my head. I sigh and hold onto his hands.

"Papa liked to come home drunk." I gulp and droop my head. "He would h-hurt m-me… I told Arthur what happened and he said I could come stay with him and Alfred… But I didn't. I don't know why I didn't. I could have been saved from years of abuse." I break down and cry even harder. I could tell that Ivan was furious at my father. He was very quietly chanting 'Kolkolkol' and he was grinding his teeth.

"You still want to go back to your family, da?" Ivan asks. He moves off of me and sits next to me. Ivan lets me cry into his shoulder.

"Oui… I do…" I say quietly. I cry until I can't cry anymore.


	16. Chapter 16

I lean against Ivan for a few more minutes. I soon get up and go to the bathroom to take a shower. I turn the water on and wait for it to heat up. I get in the shower and sigh as the hot water runs down my back. I hope today didn't turn out to be awful. I squirt some shampoo into my hand and run it through my hair. I rinse it out then start soaping up myself. Good thing my scars weren't bleeding again. I wash off the soap and get out of the shower.

I wrap a towel tightly around my waist. "Ivan, can you bring me my clothes?" I ask. "Da." he responds. I go to the sink and take my toothbrush out of the holder. I squeeze some toothpaste on the bristles and start brushing my teeth. A bit of the white foamy stuff slides down my chin.

Ivan comes into the bathroom and sets my clothes on the floor. He looks in the mirror and starts giggling. I didn't understand what he was laughing at. "Why are you laughing?" I ask, slightly annoyed.

"Look." Ivan takes my toothbrush out of my mouth. I look in the mirror and I still didn't understand why he was giggling like a school girl. _Oh._ My face turned red with blush. "I-Ivan! You p-pervert!" I quickly wipe the foam off of my chin and spit the rest in the sink. I pick my clothes up off the floor. Ivan leaves the bathroom, still laughing.

I put on the clothes he brought me. A white shirt, my red hoodie, some boxers, and jeans. I run a comb through my hair, avoiding the astray hair curl. I leave the bathroom and go to the dresser to start packing my things. I barely make it halfway to the dresser before Ivan grabs my hips from behind. I squeak in surprise. Ivan sucks a spot on the back of my neck then gently bites down, leaving a small hickey. I shiver at the touch. "I am going to miss you." He whispers in my ear.

"I'm gonna miss you too, Ivan." I lean against him. Ivan kisses me on the cheek. "You will come back, da?" He asks.

"Oui." I turn around and wrap my arms around his neck. I kiss him and he slides his tongue on my neck. Ivan pulls away. "Promise, da?"

I nod. "Yeah. I promise." I sigh and look down. "I have to finish packing. We have a flight to catch." I break away from Ivan's arms. I walk over to the dresser and pull out my clothes and throw them in a bag. I make sure to grab my toothbrush and comb. It took no time to pack.

I grab the bag and head downstairs. Ivan was going to stay upstairs and get ready to go. I set the bag on the floor next to the table and sit down in one of the chairs. Kuma's nails click on the hardwood floor as he walks over to me. I pick him up and hold him. "Do you think Papa will be upset?"

"About what?"

"That I took off with Ivan…" I sigh and hug the bear tighter. "England did say that we could be a family again… But what if that doesn't happen and Papa takes me back to his house and… and…" I couldn't finish the sentence. I wipe the tears from my eyes with the back of my sleeve.

"It'll be okay." Kuma rubs his nose against my neck.

"But what if he… if he tries to… rape me again?" I whisper, my voice cracking. I hear feet shuffling but I decide to ignore it. It was probably one of the Baltics just wandering through the hall.

"I'll protect you. If he does, we can come back here or go to England's house." Kumachiki kept trying to comfort me.

After thirty or so minutes I started to get worried because Ivan hadn't come downstairs yet. It shouldn't have taken him that long to take a shower and get ready. It usually takes him only ten or fifteen minutes. I sigh and lay my head down on the table. Kuma crawls from my lap and onto the table. He paws at my head.

"What is it, Kuma?" I shifted my head to the side, so I was looking at him.

"Maybe you should go see if Ivan is okay." Kuma says. He stops pawing at me. I nod and get up from my seat. I head to the stairs and walk up them, staring at the ground and not even paying attention to where I was going. _Is Ivan okay? Did something happen? I must be overreacting. _

I make it up the stairs and head straight for Ivan's room. I take a step forward and I bump into something and make an 'oof' sound. I look up to see that the thing I bumped into was Ivan. His face was pale and his hair was a mess. His eyes were bloodshot, almost as if he hand been crying. Ivan doesn't say anything. he just wraps his arms around me and holds me there.

"I-Ivan, what's wrong?" I ask. There was a tone of worry to my voice.

"I'm not letting you go back there." Ivan says, harshly.

"Why not?" _It's probably because of Papa._ Ivan sighs. He picks me up bridal style and carries me into his room. He shuts the door behind him. Ivan sets me on the bed and sits next to me. He looks as if he wants to say something. Ivan opens his mouth to speak but no words come out. _How could he be that scared?_

"Ivan… What's wrong?" I ask. Ivan was leaning over and resting his elbows on his knees. He looks to the floor. "He raped you. Why didn't you tell me?" I knew he was talking about Papa.

The color drained from my face. "H-How did you know about that?" _I didn't want to tell him that! How does he know?_ I was mentally clenching my fists. I couldn't actually do that because my hands were shaking. "Lithuania told me." Ivan replies. I spring to my feet.

"How does he know?" I snap at him. My mind was racing in fear.

"He said that he heard you talking to Kumajiro." Ivan states, looking up at me. He sits up. I take a deep breath, but I can't calm down. I pace back and forth in the rather large bedroom. I stand in front of Ivan and lean in towards his face.

"I want to go back and see my family." I whisper in his ear, slightly leaning on him. Ivan rests his hands on my hips and stands up.

"Nyet. I will not let you. I do not want him to hurt you." Ivan places a kiss on my jaw and gently bites down. I shove him away and he stumbles back so he is sitting on the bed. I cross my arms over my chest and glare at him. "I won't stay for long; just a few weeks that's all."

Several moments of silence pass between us.

Ivan stands up. He hugs me from behind and nibbles my earlobe. I shiver the the touch. He gives my pulse a soft kiss then bites down. _Why does he like to give me these lovebites and hickeys? He always does it in spots where other people will see them. _He bites down hard enough that it draws blood. I whimper and push him away. "I-Ivan… S-Stop."

He laps up the blood with his tongue then gives the spot a soft kiss. "I do not want my little Matvey to go." He whispers. His accent was thick when he said those words. It sent a shiver down my back when he called me 'his Matvey.' I lean into his chest, practically molding to him.

"I-Ivan… Je veux aller… I'll call you if Papa does anything, okay?" I say. My words were muffled because I was pressing my face into him. Ivan moves his hands from my hips to my waist. "Da." He responds. Ivan pushes me back slightly and gives me an almost bruising kiss. It was filled with him biting at my lips and his tongue exploring my mouth.

I didn't push back. In fact, I kiss back with almost the same force. Ivan gives my ass a hard squeeze and slips his fingers down the front of my jeans. I stop the kiss for a moment upon noticing that there was a bulge in his pants. I push his away, breaking the kiss. "I-Ivan… We don't have enough time…" I look down at the floor. "Let's get going, eh?"

Ivan nods. He sweeps me off my feet and carries me bridal style down the stairs. I giggled the entire time he carried me down the stairs. Ivan sets me down. I smile at him. "You don't have to carry me everywhere. I have two legs."

"Da, I know. It is fun to carry you." He smiles back. My head turns to look at Kumasero when I hear him yawn. He migrated from the table down to the floor. Kuma paws at my leg. "Time to go." he says. And with that, I grab my things, say goodbye to the Baltics, and then we leave.

The airport was very slow. Almost no one was here. We got on our plane and not even half the seats were taken up. Ivan, Kuma, and I had a row to ourselves. I'm surprised that they had let Kuma on the plane. Halfway through the flight I had fallen asleep on Ivan's shoulder. I wake up when Ivan nudges me and tells me that it's time to get off the plane. We board off and get a rental car to take to England's house.

We arrive there quicker than the blink of an eye. But I am stuck standing on his doorstep. I was reluctant to knock. Ivan was standing behind me. He sets his hand on my shoulder. "You are sure about this, da?" he asks. I gulp back the nervous lump in my throat and nod. I cautiously knock on the door and in less than three seconds, it burst open to reveal Arthur.

He had a smile on his face and his knees were weak. Arthur jumps forward to give me a hug. He was probably going to question me on why I never called him when Papa was still abusing me. He didn't pull back from the warm embrace until America tore him from me. Alfred practically sent me to the ground with something that was more of a tackle than a hug.

He breaks away from me and I take in his appearance. He looked… Older… a lot older. Alfred gives me a friendly slap on the back which results in me almost falling… Again. I look up and see Papa standing in the doorway. He looked horrible. Francis had bags under his eyes and the stubble that rested on his chin was more messy than usual. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked a tad bit drunk.

He slowly takes a few steps forward with outstretched arms, bringing me into a hug. He smelled of cheap wine. I don't return the hug. "Mathieu… Mon petit Mathieu, I've missed you so much." He says. I had nothing to say. I was only gone for a few weeks and the last time he saw me; he had hit me. I now understand why Ivan had wanted me to stay with him.

Papa presses a kiss to my forehead then pulls away. He looked like a lost puppy. "C'mon everyone, let's go inside." Arthur motions for us to follow him in the house. I turn to Ivan. "You should probably go wait in the car. I'll be back in a little while to say goodbye." I say to him and give him an apologetic smile. Ivan nods then makes his way to the rental car.

I step inside Arthur's home, I shut the door behind me, and I'm cascaded with Papa yelling. "I can't believe you took off with him!" Francis screams. He marches up to me and glares with all of his might. I just _know _he was resisting the urge to hit me. England comes up behind him and grabs onto his wrist. "Francis! Stop yelling you frog! You're going to make him cry!" Arthur yells and tries Pulling Papa away from me.

I clench my teeth and my hands were balled up into tight fists. _How dare he yell at me when he was the one begging for me to come home!_ "I left because I didn't want to be abused by you anymore." I glare back at him. A loud smack fills the room and my head snaps to the side. My vision was blurry but out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alfred rushing out the door and Arthur screaming at Francis. Papa was still glaring at me.

_We can't be a family again._ My eyesight regains itself. Francis was still glaring at me even though Arthur was holding him back. "And what are those things on your neck?! They better not be hickies!" He shrieks. I slowly back away from him and wipe my eyes. The slap had left a dangerous mark.

"I knew you weren't able to change! You're just the same as you were before I left! I should have stayed with Arthur and Alfred!" That was probably the loudest I have ever yelled. Papa didn't say anything but his eyes said 'I'm going to punish you later.'

All three of us look to the side to see Ivan coming through the front door, pipe in hand, and a purple aura surrounding him. He wasn't smiling like usual. Arthur backs away from Papa and runs over to me. "Close your eyes Matthew." He states before moving his hand over my eyes.

The last thing I saw before he did that was Alfred standing in the doorway, Papa backing away from Ivan, and Ivan marching over to him with his pipe in hand. Alfred must have gotten Ivan from the car. I also saw Ivan swing his pipe towards Papa's head, but that was it. I heard the awful crack of bones breaking, and a scream of pain. No one said anything more after that.


	17. Chapter 17

It took a few moments for everyone to fully realize what had happened. Arthur rushes to Papa's side. There was a pool of blood beneath the Frenchman. I just stood there watching Arthur. He picks up Papa's left wrist, and presses his thumb in the middle of it. Several minutes pass.

A teary-eyed England stands up and glares at Russia. "What did you do you wanker?! He's dead. Oh god." Arthur screams, his voice cracking. You could practically see the sorrow emitting from him.

Ivan smiles and cocks his head slightly to the side. "He is nation. He will be better in three days, da?"

Arthur drops to his knees beside Francis. He starts crying and begging for Francis to be okay. Alfred slowly waddles his way over to me with his head drooping. He sets his hand cautiously on my shoulder. "I thought Russia would yell at him and knock him around, not mortally wound him." Alfred says to me, quiet enough so Dad wouldn't be and be able to hear.

I don't say anything to him. I just keep looking over at Papa, and Arthur. An expression of emotional hurt covers Papa's lifeless face. I glance over to Ivan. He was standing a little ways away from the two, still smiling that childish smile. Ivan catches my eye and I quickly look away.

I can't say what I'm feeling right now. I can't because I won't be honest to myself. All I know is that I don't feel bad that this happened to Papa. I think he deserved it. Who knows, maybe I'll end up going back to Ivan's place, or go to my own country. I'm still considered a child so no one might listen to me while I'm over there. I might stay with England to be closer to Alfred, but I don't know. I have a few days to decide anyway.

"Bro, you alright?" America taps on my shoulder impatiently. "You zoned out for a moment."

I glance over at him then look over at Arthur and Papa for a moment. I realize what my feelings are. It might sound bad but I'm happy this happened. Out of all of the times he had hurt me, I never wanted him to be hurt back. But I guess I really did want to hurt him back. I never deserved all of those years of pain and suffering. I didn't care that Arthur was upset. I could care less about Papa.

His lifeless body twitches. _Oh yeah, he'll be back in a few days time._ "Oui, Al. I'm okay." I whisper.

He nods and I give him a quick hug. "Thanks for getting Ivan. I didn't want you to see him yell at me." A tear slips down my cheek and onto Alfred's shoulder.

"I'm the hero anyway. You sure you're alright?" America hugs me back, tighter. He was glad to see me. I nod. "Let's go upstairs." He says and starts walking to the stairs.

I catch up to him before he goes upstairs. "Um… Al? Can I bring Ivan upstairs with us? I don't need Arthur yelling at him, and then having two people's blood that needs to be mopped up." I ask quietly. Alfred nods then continues up the stairs. I slowly pad over to Ivan. Without any words I grab onto his sleeve then tug him upstairs.

We all go to Alfred's room. He and I sit on the bed and Ivan leans against the wall. I am immediately bombarded with questions. "Why didn't you call? You could have stayed with us. Why did you let him do that? Why did you stay with him? Dammit Mattie! I didn't want all of this to happen to you! I wish I wasn't so ignorant!" Alfred grabs onto both of my wrists, hard. He wasn't letting me leave until I answered him.

I wince and pull away, but that only caused him to tighten his grip. "A-Alfred! L-Let go!" I scream. I keep trying to get free. Several tears drop from my eyes. A shadow was standing over us. Alfred and I look up to see Ivan standing over us. He was chanting 'kolkolkol' and glaring at Al. I feel my brother's hands start to shake. He releases my wrists and drops his hands to his sides. I protectively cross my arms and look away from Alfred.

Ivan glares at Alfred once more then goes back to his spot against the wall. Me and Alfred were facing each other with our legs crossed, Indian style. He gets on his knees and leans forward, wiping the tears from my eyes. His knee slipped and he fell against me, our lips crashing together. I fall on my back from the weight of him. Neither of us know what to do at this point.

Alfred pulls away. His entire face was red and so was mine. He looks down. "I did _not _mean that." He looks up. "I just slipped, ya know?" He says, trying to break the awkwardness. I look towards Ivan. His face was also red, but he was gnawing on his lip and seemed deep in thought. He smirks and makes eye contact with me and Alfred. Alfred and I look at each other then look at him. "Dude, hell no. That… That counts as incest." Alfred says with a straight face. Alfred and I could tell what he was thinking.

Ivan chuckles. "But you two look so cute." He whines. I blush harder. I look down. "I wouldn't mind doing that." I mumble. They both look towards me and say 'What?' at the same time. I hold my knees to my chest and repeat what I said a little louder. Ivan giggles and Alfred blushes. Al hangs his legs off the edge of the bed and puts his face in his hands.

Several moments pass and Alfred turns to me again. "Seriously bro." His expression softens. "Why didn't you call?" He says in almost a whisper.

I look away and shift slightly. "I… I was afraid… I finally understand what Arthur said to me all those years ago. All of that pain I felt could have been avoided if I just listened to him."

Alfred grabs onto the sleeve of my hoodie. "Let me see your arm." He states. I glance up at him. He wasn't going to let up. I shake my head. He pulls on my sleeve. Alfred shifts so he's on his knees again, facing me. He grabs my wrist and practically tears my arm away from me. My hands were shaking. I'm not able to stop him.

Alfred slowly slides my sleeve up and gasps. "M-Mattie..?" He whispers. I try to get my arm free. He runs his fingers lightly over the scars. "I can't believe you did this…" He pauses. "Why did you do this?" He had pain in his voice. "I was supposed to be your hero and I was supposed to protect you!" Alfred's eyes are wet. I didn't want him to see my scars.

"A-Alfred… You couldn't have protected me. No one can protect me from my thoughts. I did it because I needed to be rid of the pain. It… feels good I guess." I flash a weak smile at the now trembling nation. Alfred scowls and turns away. He lets go of my wrist. Alfred was hurt by this. I know that when I was younger that I could have talked to him. But I never did, I left him worrying about me. I pull my sleeve back down over my wrist.

Al sniffles and wipes his nose. Ivan walks over to the bed and sits by me. He sets an arm over my shoulders and pulls me close. Ivan nuzzles his cheek into my soft hair. I glance at Alfred and see him give Ivan a deathly glare. I lean against Ivan and look up at the ceiling. A long slow sigh comes from my lips.

Alfred turns to me. He was glaring at the both of us. "What's wrong, Al?" I ask innocently. "I don't like him, Mattie." Alfred says through clenched teeth. Ivan hears him and takes his arm off of me. I lay on my back and stare at the ceiling.

_Does my father really love me? Or was I just some… Some… Plaything? Something that he would take all his aggression out on? I remember some nights where he didn't hurt me but came into my room and sat on the edge of my bed saying how much he loved me, how important I was to him… Things like that. Did he love me at first then stop loving me?_

_I remember the night where he first raped me. Before that night, everything was bliss between us. We worked together as father and son to do everything that needed to get done. He acted more like my father and less like some drunken mistake he made. He did act like my father still after he raped me, but we just fell apart. I wonder if Arthur ever had a drunken fling with Papa and then regretted it in the morning. _

_He always acted so loving and caring after he did things to me. He would clean up the blood and change my clothes for me. He would disinfect my wounds and wrap them in bandages so they would heal properly. Then even the next morning he acted so very gentle and kind to me. I was so confused that I didn't understand what he was doing to me. I felt as if I loved him and that he loved me. I never really loved him, it was just an idea that he put in my mind._

_I never felt scared around him when he wasn't abusing me._

All of these thoughts are tearing me apart. I need to cut. I _need_ to cut. Ivan took my razor so there is no point in trying to get it back. Most of the scars had already healed but a few hadn't. I pull back my sleeve slightly and stretch and move the skin on my wrist to reopen a few of the scars.

I was taken aback when Alfred was leaning over me. "What's up, bro? You've been quiet for like ten minutes." He states, completely unable to sense the mood. _Ten minutes? It had to have been only thirty seconds! _I immediately drop into panic mode. I dart my eyes from side to side, and look for the quickest escape route. There is none.

"Dude, like, seriously. You can tell me anything. What's bothering you?" Alfred starts poking my shoulder. I press my hands flat on his chest and unsuccessfully push him away. He wasn't going to budge unless I gave him an answer. I lay my head to the side and a few unnoticed tears slip down the side of my cheek and onto the bed sheets below me. Alfred grabs my chin and makes me face him, forcing us to look each other in the eyes.

Several more tears fall from my eyes. "Does Papa really love me?" I look at him with a sorrowful gaze. Something inside of me snaps. "Does he really love me or has my entire life been a lie?!" I scream as I quickly grab onto the front of Alfred's shirt and shove him off of me with a new found strength. He lands hard his butt and onto the floor. He lets out a quick whimper, kind of like a wounded puppy. I jump off of the bed and rush to his side. "Alfred, are you okay? I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to do that. You were just pressuring me and… and…" I start to cry.

Alfred wraps his arms around my shoulders to give me a quick reassuring hug. "It's okay Mattie. I'm not hurt or anything." He sits cross legged and rests his arms in his lap. "Sorry for pressuring you, bro. I totally didn't realize I was doing that." Alfred spits out quickly. I stop crying and lean against him. "I'm so confused." I say with a melancholy tone.

"Why are you confused? Dude, talk to me." Alfred sits up. I stop leaning on him and shift away a few inches. I let out a long sigh. "I want to know if he still loves me." Matthew has already said this twice but Alfred was oblivious enough to have to ask again.

"I'm not sure if he does, but you will have to ask him yourself." Alfred didn't realize what his words did. They hurt. They hurt a lot. _I'm not sure if he does._ The sentence rings through my ears. He doesn't love me. He never did. Now I have to wait a few days in this stuffy house before he wakes up. _Damn Ivan for killing him. I need to talk to Papa. _

_What if he doesn't love me? _I stand up and sit next to Ivan. "Why did you kill him? I needed to talk to him, and you killed him!" I angrily scream. I didn't believe the words that came from my lips. I never screamed at anyone like that before. Ivan seems aghast. He jumps slightly at the sound of my risen voice. Ivan looks to the floor and his shoulders droop. "Matvey, I didn't want him to hurt you anymore…" His voice trails off. Ivan looks as if he doesn't know what to say. He looks surprised at me because I have never yelled like that before.

I turn away, avoiding his gaze. "I don't care if he hurts me. That's all he's done, anyway." I mumble, not loud enough for anyone to hear.

The door to the bedroom opens and Arthur is standing in the doorway. He's glaring at Ivan and I. "I've brought the frog upstairs to my room and I want the two," He looks at Alfred and Ivan. "To clean up the mess downstairs." He states in a very gentleman-like way. You could obviously see that he was covering up what he really felt. _He must have forgotten me again._ I think to myself as the three of us stand up.

"Lad… um…" He takes a step in the room.

"Matthew." I reply, looking away.

"Ah yes. Sorry. Matthew, I need to talk to you." Arthur comes up to me and places a hand on my shoulder. I nod, biting my lip. I hope Alfred and Ivan don't get in a fight and 'accidentally' burn the house down when they start cleaning. Said two leave without another word.

Arthur retracts his hand from my shoulder and motions for me to sit on the edge of the bed. I sit and look to the floor. _This is all my fault. I should have never come back. _Arthur sits beside me. He was putting on a friendly demeanor so he didn't look so scary.

"Remember what you said to me on the phone before you hung up?" He asks quietly. I shift uncomfortably. _I don't think I can call that place 'home' anymore. _I cringe at the memory. I nod. Time to prepare for another talk with Dad on what he thinks I should and should not do. I sigh.

"Why can't you call this place 'home' anymore? Don't you like being here with us? With your family?" Arthur says. I could hear a hint of sadness in his voice. He wasn't angry. That's good I guess.

_No. I don't like being in a place where I'm abused and forgotten._ "Yeah. I like being here." I bite my lip and a gross pit of nervousness settles in my stomach. "I like to be around you, Al, and Papa. I don't want Papa to hurt me anymore. I'm not even sure if he loves me. I want to go back with Ivan, though. He makes me feel loved… and… well… I love him. I used to be so important to Papa, but then something changed. I finally had the courage to leave but… I felt different. I felt like I was tearing away from him. I felt that he needed me and I was destroying everything he ever lived for. He probably doesn't love me."

I shiver and bring my knees up to my chest. I wrap my arms around them. I quickly put my hoodie over my head. I wish Kuma was up here, he was probably sleeping on the couch downstairs or something. Surprisingly enough, the-not-so-small small bear appears out from under the bed. I quickly pick him up and hug him to my chest, nuzzling his fur into my cheek.

"Listen, Matthew. Francis does love you. He said so very many times when he showed up at my house. On the night you left, he appeared at my door at around 10 in the evening. His eyes were bloodshot, his clothes and hair were a mess, and he wasn't his usual self. I brought him inside and set him at the table so we could talk. Throughout the entire night, he kept saying how much he loved you. He said that he made a terrible mistake of doing all of those things to you. He said that he wants to make it up to you, but he's not sure if he can. He still loves you Matthew. Don't doubt it."

I wipe the tears from my eyes. I hug Kumajiro tighter. Suddenly my heart sinks. This doesn't seem like my father. He would have told me all of those things. "W-Was he drunk?" I whisper into my bear's fur.

Arthur avoids my gaze and looks away. He tries to avoid the topic. "Matthew, I know I can't protect you from everyone. But I swear to god, if those are hickies on your neck, and you let Ivan take you, I am-"

I interrupt him. "They are. They are hickies. No. Nothing like that happened. Answer me, Arthur. Was he drunk?"

"Yes. He was." Dad says through clenched teeth. He was glaring at me. He must be upset because I shouldn't be doing things like that. I shouldn't be coming back with my neck and chest covered in hickies and love bites. I flop over to my side as a certain sadness and worry overcomes me. I start to cry and I don't stop. He never meant those words if he had to get drunk to say them. He had told me he loved me when he was sober.

...

_I was under the covers of my bed, making a small tent. I had a flashlight with me. It was late and I couldn't sleep so Kuma and I decided to look at some picture books that I had. We were whispering to each other. I heard my door open and I immediately shut off the flashlight and curled up in a little ball. I was slightly shaking._

_Papa came into my room. He noticed my shaking. __"__It's okay, mon petit Mathieu. __There is no reason to be upset." He whispered and sat on the edge of the bed. He folded back the covers to reveal my face. He kissed my forehead. I was holding the book tightly to my chest. Papa took it from me and turned on my bedside lamp. "Would you like me to read to you?" he asked. I nodded and stopped shaking._

_Papa finished reading the book to me. He set the book on the nightstand and kissed my forehead again. "I love you Mathieu. Don't forget that." He said, smiling. I nodded and yawned, smiling back. He turned off the light and left my room. Kuma snuggled up to my chest and we both fell asleep._

...

I don't stop crying until I see Alfred and Ivan both standing over me. Alfred gets on his knees so we are eye level. With the gentlest touch, he sets his hand on my side and smiles sweetly at me, as if saying 'everything is going to be okay.' "You okay, bro?" Alfred asks, smiling sympathetically. My crying turns into sporadic hiccups.

I shake my head. Alfred stands up. "What did you say to him?" He demands at Arthur. Arthur gets up also and looks Al in the eyes. "That does not concern you. This is between Matthew and I." Arthur glares at Alfred.

"D-Don't start fi-fighting." I whisper. They both glance at me. America steps away from him and sits beside me. "Right now probably isn't the best time to start fighting anyway." Alfred says, rubbing the back of his neck, and looking to the floor. Alfred puts wraps his arm around my shoulders. "So, Mattie… What's bugging you?" Al asks.

I sigh and avoid everyone's eyes. "He never had to get drunk to tell me he loved me." I whisper.

"Matthew, he couldn't stand being without you. He loves you. He became inebriated because he missed you so much. He didn't want you to leave." Arthur says in a gentle tone, completely forgetting how angry he was at Alfred. I sniffle and bury my nose in Kuma's fur.

"I want to believe you… But I just can't. I need Papa to tell me that." A tear slips down my cheek and onto Kuma. I wanted so bad to believe him. I just couldn't. I love Papa, but he would always hurt me. It doesn't sound like he would say that. He never loved me. Everyone else says he does, but he hasn't said it himself.

I look up at Ivan. "C-Can I have my r-razor back?" I say to him in the quietest voice possible, secretly hoping that he didn't hear me. Ivan smiles at me and in the most sincere voice possible, he says "Nyet."

I frown and glare at the floor. There was no use in getting it back. I abruptly stand up and leave the room. I rush out of there with tears streaming down my face. _I need to cut! I can't stand it anymore! What's the point of living if everyone forgets who you are?_


	18. Chapter 18

I hurry down the stairs with Alfred, Ivan, and Arthur following behind me. I could run a lot faster than them. I run into the kitchen and set Kuma on the floor. My heart was beating quickly and my hands were shaking. I grab a paring knife from the knife rack. I pull up my sleeve. My hands were shaking so bad that I almost drop the knife. I slice the knife across my vein. After a little while, my hands stop shaking and my heartbeat slows down.

The blood from my wrist slowly drips to the floor. Alfred comes up behind me and forcefully tries to take the knife from my hand. I shove him off of me. "A-Alfred! I'm sorry! But I… I…" I point the knife towards him. I can't let him help me. I don't want to live anymore. Arthur is shocked at what he sees.

"Mattie." Alfred's voice is calm but it seems on edge. "How about we talk about this, kay?" He puts his hands up in defense. Ivan comes up behind him. "Matvey, everything will be okay, da? Give me the knife. I do not want you to hurt yourself."

"Non! It's not going to be okay!" I cry. I don't know what's going through my head. Something about my father being drunk to be able to say that he loved me kind of set me off. He's said it many times before when he wasn't drunk. I don't understand. I pull my sleeve down and hold the fabric of it against my wrist to stop the bleeding, the knife still in my hand.

"Mattie. Listen to us. Give me the knife." Alfred was starting to become a little more worried now. White spots appear in my vision and I stumble, falling to the floor. I land on my hands and knees, dropping the knife. It skids near Ivan's feet. He quickly picks it up, while Alfred runs over to me. Alfred lifts me up, bridal style; he carries me out of the room and to the bathroom. Alfred locks the bathroom door. "H-Hey, it's g-gonna be o-okay M-Mattie." He says as he runs my wrist under the cold water of the sink. He was visibly shaking.

I use some of my slowly dwindling energy to roughly grab onto Alfred's shirt. "N-Non! Y-You d-don't u-understand! I didn't want to come back home, but he begged me to!" I sob into Alfred's shirt. He wraps some towels around my wrist. "Alfred! Open this door!" Arthur screams as he bangs on the bathroom door. "No! I need to talk to him!" Alfred shouts back.

"Amerika, open the door, da?" Ivan says urgently. "A-Al… Ivan can pick the lock." I whisper to him. Alfred holds me closer. "Then I'll just make him leave if he comes in." Alfred whispers back. There is a faint click and the door swings open. Ivan takes a step in the bathroom and Alfred glares at him. "Get out." He says firmly.

"Nyet. I want to make sure Matvey is okay." Ivan responds as he crosses his arms.

"Just go away! He doesn't want-"

Arthur interrupts him. "Alfred! We can come in here if we want to. Matthew is my responsibility and I need to make sure he's alright."

"I wouldn't be talking, Arthur. You caused this." Alfred scowls at the Englishman. Arthur is stricken with horror. He looks down at the floor wipes his eyes with his shirt sleeve. "L-Let's just leave them alone." Arthur drags his feet down the hall and heads upstairs. He knew he caused this.

Arthur had told me what Francis said to him on the night I left. Arthur told me that Francis was drunk when he showed up at Arthur's house. He stopped loving me a while ago. _If I had my razor, this might not have happened. If Papa never raped me, then I would be with him at his house, and I would be happier. I wouldn't have all of these scars. I wouldn't be screwed up. I never would have met Ivan… I probably would have when I was older but I don't think I would have talked to him. I don't want to think about what it would be like if I haven't met him. I love him. But… would my life have been better if my father had never done those things?_

"Mattie, why did you do this to yourself? We could have talked about it." He looks down. He says that last part quieter. My arm was still bleeding. I might pass out soon from blood loss.

"I needed to, Alfred. I never wanted him to hurt me. He begged me to come back. He _begged._ And now here I am… And he hit me. Why would he? I'm so confused." I start to cry. "I thought Papa would have wanted me to come home. He didn't. He just wanted someone to use. Papa said he wouldn't hurt me anymore." I say all of this while I'm in the midst of crying into Alfred's shirt.

Alfred sits on the floor and sets me down next to him. I end up wrapping my arms around his shoulders and cry even harder. He put one hand on my back and the other on the back of my neck. "Just let it out, Mattie. You'll be able to talk to him soon."

More white spots cloud my vision. I stop crying for a few moments. "Alfred? I'm hungry." I smile and force a laugh. "Better not tell Artie that. He'll kill you for sure with his gross food."

I laugh at this. Not a fake laugh, but an actual one. It was true, Arthur's food is disgusting. Alfred stands up first. He offers me a hand to help me up. I take the hand and stand up, but I stumble forward as a wave of dizziness overcomes me. The dizziness causes me to fall to the floor. I land on my front and my chin collides with the floor.

Pain enters my jaw and I groan. I roll over on my back and bring my knees up to my chest. Alfred kneels beside me. "Bro, you alright?" He asks and places a tentative hand on my shoulder. I pass out not a second later.

I wake up in my room. Alfred must have brought me upstairs. I am still dressed in my jeans and hoodie. The curtains were shut so I didn't know if there was still some daylight out. I rub the sleepiness from my wrist wasn't bandaged, but it had healed over, and the blood had been washed off. I peer over at the digital clock. It was the middle of the night. Something nudges my foot and I almost scream. Black beady eyes were looking right at me. I let out a breath of relief. It's just Kumajiro. It was so dark in the room; it was almost as if he was glaring at me.

"Don't do that." He says in his adorable high-pitched voice.

"Don't do what?" I whisper to him. Kuma climbs on top of my chest and paws at my wrist. "That." He replies. My own bear was upset at me for trying to kill myself. I guess that's only reasonable, even if I would come back in a few days. I'd probably be upset at myself too.

I push the covers off of me and scramble out of the queen sized bed. I should go see if Alfred is awake. I pick up Kuma and make my way down the hall to the bedroom that is right next to mine. I push open Alfred's door to see him not-so-peacefully sleeping. He is tossing and turning. The blankets on his bed are a mess. I walk over to him, set Kuma on the floor, and nudge his shoulder.

"A-Al, are you okay?" I whisper in his ear. He calms down a little after hearing my voice. I rest my right hand on his arm. He latches onto it, while still asleep, and grips it hard. He doesn't let go. Alfred tugs on my arm hard, and leans over to his other side, bringing me with him. I fall over on top of him.

I try and pull away from him. He, while still asleep, drags me onto his bed with him. He grips my chest tightly. Almost too tight. I pry at his fingers and try to get him away. He just holds me tighter. "M… Matt… I'm sorry… I won't forget… bout you." He mumbles.

"Alfred, wake up." I whisper.

"Huh?!" He shouts and practically shoves me off of the bed. About half of my body hangs off of it. Alfred rubs his eyes. "Oh, sorry Mattie. What are you doing in my bed? Ew, why am I all sweaty?"

"You were having a bad dream."

"O-Oh yeah. You d-died. Committed suicide. A-And you left a note. It said that everyone forgot about you. I held you in my arms while you took your last breath and I couldn't stop crying. I kept telling you that I wouldn't forget about you." Alfred has tears running down his cheeks. "I never wanted this to happen to you, Mattie. I never wanted you to do this to yourself." He grabs onto my left arm to emphasize his point. Alfred sits up and hugs me tightly, letting go of my arm.

"I love you, Mattie. I don't want to lose my little brother."

"You won't lose me. I'm a nation, remember?" Matthew chuckles.

"I don't want you to be depressed, though." Alfred hugs me tighter. "Can you stay here tonight? I don't want to have anymore bad dreams." Alfred shudders at the mention of the nightmare. I nod and lean back against him. After several moments we had both fallen asleep. We were on our sides, my back was to Alfred, and he was hugging me tight.

I wake up with a groggy feeling and an awful pounding in my head. The room was dark and I could hear rain hitting the roof. There is a loud clash of thunder and Alfred jumps awake from his sleep. He starts shaking. "Al, it's just thunder. It's not going to hurt you." I mumble. I bring my knees up to my chest and curl up in a tight ball.

"Mattie, I don't like thunder." Alfred whines loudly in my ear. I cover my ears with my hands to drown out the noise that is emitting from him. "It's scary and loud." Alfred curls up against me. More thunder and lightning strike down. Alfred trembles. After about an hour of being choked by my brother, the rain lets up.

Alfred gets out of his bed. I'm still curled up in a ball, under the covers. "Hey Canada, you alright bro?"

"Y-Yeah. I just have a headache." I mumble into the blanket, hoping he will leave me alone. I sneeze a few times. Alfred wraps his arms around my thin frame and lifts me up. "Nothing a cup of coffee can't fix!" He carries me down the stairs and to the dining room. I scramble to get out of his arms. He eventually sets me down.

I go over to the living room to see Ivan sprawled out on the couch. His sleeping face looked so peaceful. I sit in one of the arm chairs and bring my knees up to my chest. A few minutes later, Alfred comes by with two mugs of coffee in his hands. I look up at him and take the mug from him. He was wearing nothing but loose grey sweatpants that were tightened so they wouldn't fall off of his hips. I have to admit that he looks kind of sexy like that.

"Here. These'll help." He hands me a few painkillers. He drops them in my hand. I take the painkillers with a sip of coffee. I turn on the TV, but keep the volume low. Ten minutes pass and I finish my coffee. I notice some shuffling on the couch and turn my head to see that Ivan had woken up. "Good morning, Matvey. Are you feeling better? You passed out last night."

"Oui, but my head hurts." I scratch behind my neck. Alfred comes in the living room carrying a plate that held an egg sandwich. "Here Mattie." He hands me the plate and I greedily take it from him. He plops down on the floor in front of the TV. I didn't realize how hungry I was. Alfred is really good at cooking. I wolf down the sandwich and set the plate on the floor.

"Matvey, I have to leave today."

"You do? Are you sure you can't stay any longer?" There is slight sadness in my voice. I didn't want Ivan to leave me. He recognizes me more than Alfred does. He doesn't forget my name. He listens to me.

"Nyet. I can't stay longer. I have several meetings tomorrow." With that, Ivan comes over to me and gives me a hug. He gives me a quick kiss on the lips.

"Can you stay a little longer?"

"Nyet. My boss sent me a private plane and he doesn't want me to be late." Ivan kisses me again, this time deeper. He licks my lips and I open my mouth. I nibble on his bottom lip. Ivan cups my cheek in his hand while exploring my mouth with his tongue. He pulls away after a few moments. "I have to go." He whispers in my ear. He goes to the front door and opens it. I stand up and rush over to him, giving him a tight hug. "Thank you."

"For what, Matvey?"

"For protecting me." I whisper. He hugs me again. Ivan steps out the front door and goes over to the rental car. We wave to each other. I watch his car disappear as it drives down the road.

I go back inside, only to hear Alfred giggling. "You really like him, don't you?" He asks through a fit of laughter. I frown and sit in the armchair. "Ya know, Iggy would get upset at you if he saw you kissing Ivan like that."

"If I saw who kissing who?" Arthur says as he comes down the stairs. My face flushes red and I shout "No one!" It is almost a squeak. Alfred laughs and rolls to his side. He clutches his stomach and starts muttering "I can't breathe."

I start to laugh also. Arthur would have probably yelled at me if he saw me kissing Ivan. Oh well. It would have been worth it. I am glad for the easy environment that surrounds us. I'm happy that no one is mentioning what happened yesterday. I don't want to be reminded of everything.

…

About three days pass. It's late and I walk down the hall to my room. No one else is awake. I had stayed up late watching TV. All of a sudden, arms wrap around my waist from behind. I let out a squeak. The hands that wrapped around my waist had rough calluses around the fingers and the backs of them were hairy. I know who it is. "P-Papa?" My hands start trembling.

"Mathieu." His voice is pained. "I'm so sorry." He whispers in my ear. My hands are shaking fiercely. Papa snakes his hands around mine. "I'm not going to hurt you." Papa's tongue caresses the cartilage of my ear. He puts his hand over my mouth. "Shhh. It's going to be okay." He whispers. Tears flow down the side of my cheeks.

_I don't know what to do. If I scream out or try and fight back, he'll just hurt me. If I do try and run or make some noise, Arthur or Alfred might hear me. But if they don't, he'll punish me._

His hand slips under my hoodie and he dips his fingers in the front of my jeans. His breathing is rough and heavy against my neck. He fingers the waistband of my boxers beneath my jeans. His hands suddenly release and he gasps loudly. I fall to the floor as soon as he lets go of me. I hear growling. Kumajiro had latched onto Papa's leg and was biting rather deeply.

Blood seeps through his pant leg. Kuma releases his jaw and runs up to me. I quickly stand and pick him up. I run to my room, and lock the door. I go over to my bed and hide under the blankets. _Why does he want to hurt me? He says he's sorry and he says he won't hurt me, but he does anyway._ Kumajiro is also shaking. He curls up next to me. Tears stain my pillow. My entire body shakes as I cry myself to sleep.


	19. Chapter 19

I wake up covered in sticky sweat. My mind is racing about the events that had happened last night. I can call Ivan and tell him, or I can tell Arthur, or Alfred. But… I don't want to face the consequences. I also don't want anyone to get hurt. Maybe if I just act like nothing happened, then it will all be okay.

I strip myself of my jeans and red hoodie. They would need to be washed. I really have to stop going to sleep in my day clothes. I get up and grab a black hoodie, some dark colored jeans, and some boxers from my drawer. I had unpacked all of my things the other day. I grab my red and white striped towel. I open my door and peek my head out. No one was in the hallway. They must all be asleep.

I hurry to the bathroom. I was hoping to avoid Papa incase he came into the hallway and decided to touch me again. I lock the door behind me and turn on the water. It comes out freezing cold. I turn around and face myself in the mirror. My eyes are bloodshot and my cheeks are red. My family would probably be able to tell that I was crying.

The room around me starts to steam. I jump in the shower and the hot water scorches my back. My knees go weak and I drop to the floor. I don't want him to molest me. I start crying and don't stop. I hug my knees to my chest.

I don't know how much time has passed but I stop crying when I hear Arthur's voice. His voice is angry and he's talking to someone. It could have been Al, Papa, or one of his imaginary friends. I can just barely make out what he is saying. I turn the water off to hear him better.

"You can't keep hurting him like that." His voice is firm. "Why did you even do that to him? Do you even love him anymore?" Arthur had a condescending tone.

"I don't know why I did those things. He was there… Mon petit Mathieu… I hurt him… A-And I broke him. I just couldn't stop myself. I love him… I love him so much." Francis sobs. "Why didn't anyone stop me?!" He shouts at Arthur.

My body freezes when I hear those words. _I was there? What's that supposed to mean?_ A new wave of silent tears overcomes me. I need to talk to him. I don't want to, but I need to. I quickly get out of the shower and dry myself off. I throw on my clothes and towel dry my hair, then brush it. There was a certain urgency to my movements. I have to talk to him _now. _

I whip open the bathroom door and walk to my room, trying to act normal and like I wasn't crying. I hope the two don't say anything to me. I see Papa hugging Arthur tightly and crying on him. Arthur is quietly whispering "It's going to be okay." They were standing in the middle of the wide hallway. _Thank God for being invisible! _I make it to my room without them noticing.

I open the door to see Kuma lying on his back while Alfred scratches his belly. He stops and looks up at me. "Hey, Mattie. Why are your eyes red? Have you been crying?" He stands up and hugs me. "Mattie, what's wrong?"

I lean my head on Alfred's shoulder. "Nothing, Al… N-Nothing's wrong."

"Then why were you cry-"

I interrupt him. "It's nothing you need to worry about!" I yell as I shove him away from me. To be honest, It is something he needs to worry about. I have to tell someone what Papa did last night, but I don't think I can tell him. _I was supposed to be your hero. _His voice echoes in the back of my mind. He can protect me… But he can be a little overprotective too. Maybe Francis just made a mistake by doing that? I'm not going to tell him. I can't tell him.

Alfred stumbles back. "Dude, like, seriously. No need to get physical." He sounds annoyed. Al shoves me back. I fall on my butt and whimper. _I am not going to cry right now. If Alfred wants a fight, he'll get one._ I'm stronger than I actually look. I rise to my feet and push my hands on his shoulders, shoving him back once again. Alfred hits the wall. He doesn't scream out, instead he comes forward and punches me in the shoulder. I wince and curl my fingers into a fist. I hit him in the mouth.

He covers his mouth with his hand. Blood seeps from his lip. "Jesus, Mattie! What's gotten into you? First you yell at Russia and me then you fucking punch me in the mouth? What the hell? It's totally not like you!"

Arthur bursts through the door. He points his finger at Alfred, like a mother would to scold her young child. "It's 'Russia and I' and you're too young to be swearing, you bloody wanker." Arthur looks around and takes in the scene before him. "Alfred, why are you bleeding?"

Alfred sticks out his still bleeding bottom lip. "He hit me." He says in a whiney voice as he points his finger at me. He was acting like a little kid right now. "Who did?" Arthur asks, looking completely clueless. I ball my hands into fists. _Why can't he see me? _"Mattie did."

"Oh. Matthew." He mumbles something incoherently. "You shouldn't hit people. I can still ground you." Arthur isn't exactly yelling, and doesn't exactly look angry, either. It almost seems as if he is trying not to laugh, because usually it's the older brother beating up the younger brother. Not the other way around.

"Matthew, I need to talk with you." Arthur says. His eyes are pointed at the floor. I nod. "Alfred, you should go." I whisper to him. Alfred leaves the room without another word. Dad shuts the door behind him and comes up to me. We are inches away from each other. Arthur wraps his arms around my shoulders tightly. "I'm going to let you talk to Francis in a few minutes, Alright?"

"Okay." I mumble. My voice is muffled because I'm pressed against his chest. "If he does anything, anything at all, that makes you uncomfortable you need to tell me." He says, softly. Arthur pulls away. I look to the floor and bite my lip. I don't want to tell him what happened last night. If I just keep it a secret, everything should be okay, right?

Arthur leads me out of my room and down the hall. He leads me down the stairs and to the kitchen. Papa is leaning against the wall, with his arms crossed, and his head down. Arthur flashes me a look that said 'If anything goes wrong, scream' then he leaves the room.

Once Arthur leaves, Francis wraps me in a hug. Silent tears flow down his cheeks. "I'm so sorry." He whispers, his breath airy. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I don't know if it's love or hate. I scowl and put my hands on his shoulders and push him away. I look down at my feet and slump my shoulders. "Do you still love me?" I ask. A shiver is sent down my spine.

"Oui. I love you very much." His voice is quiet. I can't tell if he's telling the truth or not. Papa holds his arms open. "Come here." He states, smiling a bit. I didn't want to go into his open arms, but I did. Something overtook my mind and made me listen to him without a second thought. My hands shake as I reluctantly hug him back. "Shh… don't be scared. I'm not going to hurt you."

_That was the same thing he said to me last night. He didn't hurt me… but he made me feel scared. I don't want him to touch me like he did last night. _I try to push him away, but he still holds onto me. "Why did you do that to me? Why did you abuse me all of my life?" I shout at him. I pound my fists against his chest. I was crying. Right now, I seemed like a little kid having a tantrum.

Francis didn't show that I was hurting him. I probably wasn't. "I needed someone… and you were there." He mumbles, looking ashamed. "I didn't want to hurt you, but I was desperate… So I had to get drunk to do it."

I break free of his arms. "T-That's your r-reason?!" I shriek. I turn my back to him and cross my arms over my chest. I sniffle and wipe the tears from my eyes. I don't know what to make of this. Couldn't he have just gone to Arthur? He didn't want to hurt me. He couldn't bear the thought of hurting me… So why did he? Couldn't he have gone to someone else?

If he never did this to me, then I wouldn't have all these scars. I wouldn't be so scared. I would still be living with him. I would never have tried to kill myself. I would have never met the man I love until I was older. Was it all worth it? All of this? I don't know.

"Oui. It is my reason, and it's not a very good one." Papa sets his hand on my shoulder. I nudge it off. "D-Don't t-touch m-me." I whisper through sobs. "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, Mathieu. I love you so much." Papa hugs me from behind.

"I said don't touch me!" I shout, pushing him away. Arthur bursts through the kitchen door with a gun pointed at Francis. "I heard yelling." He says firmly, whilst glaring at him.

"N-Non D-Dad… It's f-fine… Nothing's w-wrong." I calm down and stop crying. Arthur lowers the gun. He slips it into his back pocket. "Alright then, I'll just leave." Arthur says, awkwardly. He leaves the room.

"I'm not going to hurt you anymore, and I love you. Please forgive me Mathieu." His voice is pained. I turn away from him and don't say anything. I turn around and hug him. "I love you too… and… and… I don't think I can forgive you just yet."

"What do you mean?" Francis asks, returning the hug. I lay my head against his chest. "I'm still upset at you for what you did to me." I break the hug. Papa puts his hands on my shoulders. He leans down and kisses my forehead. "Don't let Russia kill me again." He whispers. I chuckle and nod. I leave the kitchen and go upstairs.

I go into Alfred's room and plop myself on his bed with a sigh. I hold my head in my hands. "Yo Mattie! How'd it go?" He says loudly. Alfred is on his bed, lying on his back, flipping through a comic book. "I don't know Al. It didn't go like I expected it to."

"Well how did you expect it to go?" Alfred sets his comic book down and sits next to me on the edge of the bed.

"I expected him to be angry with me. I expected him to hit me. I was even ready for him to hit me. I didn't think he would act all loving towards me."

"Well maybe you should let me be the hero, and I should beat him up for you." Alfred laughs and ropes his arm around my shoulders. "As much as I want you to, that won't solve anything." I glance at my feet.

"Hey Mattie, this is totally unrelated but." He pauses. "Why Russia? You could have had someone better like me, but you chose him."

"What are talking ab-mmph!" I don't finish the rest of my sentence because Alfred's lips are in the way. He suddenly kisses me. His lips are soft. I hate to admit, but they are softer than Ivan's. Alfred tries to open my mouth with his tongue. I push him away, gasping for air. I look at Alfred. He has tears that are threatening to fall. "W-Why did y-you do that?" I ask. I'm absolutely surprised he did that.

"Because I love you, Mattie." He wipes his eyes. "I love you more than a brother should, and I always have. I can't stand seeing you with Russia. So, if you don't want to accept my feelings… Then that's okay." Alfred flops to his side and curls in a ball. He hides his head in his hands. I blush at what he says. I glance at Alfred. He's silently crying.

"H-Hey don't c-cry." I whisper and set my hand on his side in a comforting manner. "I-I d-don't know what to say to this, Al."

"I'm not crying… Heroes don't cry." He sits up. "I shouldn't have told you this. You already have enough to deal with." He sighs and rests his elbows on his knees. He looks down at his feet.

"It's alright, Al. I'm not sure if I can return your feelings… B-But I can give you this…" I cup Alfred's cheek in my hand and kiss him deeply. Our tongues fight for dominance. Alfred presses his hands against my chest and pushes me back so he's straddling my hips. I hold my hands at his waist. He grinds his hips against mine. I push him back, breaking the kiss. We are both gasping for air.

"Mattie, c'mon… Can't we go a little further?" He smiles sweetly at me and his blue eyes have a hint of lust.

"Non. Arthur might hear us." I avoid his gaze. A dark crimson blush covers my pale cheeks. Alfred steals a quick kiss. "Please?" He begs. He sits down on me, directly over my groin. Alfred grinds his hips against mine. There is a bulge in his pants. I shake my head. "Why not?" He sticks out his bottom lip. "B-Because I'm not r-ready to… G-Go any farther."

Alfred gives me one last kiss then gets off of me. He goes back to reading his comic book. I lie down next to him and snuggle against his chest. Alfred puts his arm over my shoulders. I lay my head on his chest and fall asleep.

Alfred wakes me up. "Hey, wake up sleepy head. Francis made food." Alfred was sitting on the edge of the bed. I sit up and glance over at the clock. It was around six. Alfred gets up and leaves the room. I follow behind him. The smell of French cooking wafts over to me and I hurry down the stairs. I've had enough of Arthur's disgusting food.

Papa, Alfred, Arthur and I sit down at the dining room table and eat. It was one of the few times where we acted as an actual family. It was very enjoyable for all of us. There was no tension at all. After we ate, Alfred convinced me to play catch with him. I did. I ended up getting a few bruises. Alfred says I can't catch at all, but I think he just throws too hard.

…

It soon becomes dark out and fades into the late hours of the night. I head up to my room to go to bed. I strip myself of my clothing and dress into some red and white striped flannel pajamas. I crawl under the blankets and Kumajiro snuggles up next to me. I spend about twenty minutes tossing and turning. I keep thinking of today's events. _Will everything just be normal? Why doesn't Alfred want me to be with Ivan? How long has Alfred had feelings for me? Is that right for him to feel that way? Sure, it was pleasant when I kissed him, but do I like him back? No, I don't think I do. I'm totally unsure of this._

My thought process is broken when I notice that someone is leaning over me. They put their hand over my mouth. I glance to the side. _Where's Kuma?_ "Shhh… I'm not going to hurt you." The French voice whispers in my ear. I tremble. "P-Papa?" I mumble through the hand that covers my mouth. "Promise not to scream and I'll take my hand away." He whispers firmly. I nod. He takes off his hand and presses his lips to mine. Tears roll down the side of my cheeks and hit the pillows underneath me. I try and push him away. He holds onto my wrists, tightly. "It's going to be okay." He mumbles and kisses me again. He forces his tongue in my mouth. I want to scream, I want to alert someone that this is happening, but I can't. Something inside me won't let me scream and call for help.

**Author's note**

**This is NOT the last chapter. There will be more.**


	20. Chapter 20

I give up, knowing that I can't fight back. He is gentle in his movements. He doesn't hurt me like he used to. "Don't move." He whispers in my ear. He pulls the covers off. Francis unbuttons my pajama top, but leaves it on my shoulders. He slowly tugs down my pajama bottoms and boxers. He brings them past my ankles and slides them completely off. Francis presses on my shoulders and leans over me. He sucks on a spot on my neck. "Let me show my amour for you, mon petit Mathieu." He whispers in my ear.

A shiver is sent down my spine and I shift uncomfortably. The cool night air blows through the open window and onto my pale skin. Goosebumps appear on my soft flesh. He runs his fingers down my chest slowly, slowly, slowly. He stops when he reaches the coarse hair that lies above my vital regions. I tremble and try to move away. He stops me by grabbing on my arm. His grip is rough, yet soft at the same time.

_I don't want this. I can't let him do this. _I try to scream, but my voice is lost. It's stuck. I can't seem to even utter a single word. I want him to stop. Surprisingly, he doesn't move. He just lets his fingers rest the coarse dark hair. He runs his other hand up my side and peppers soft kisses around my chest and over my nipples. He takes one in his mouth and nibbles gently. I gasp at the feeling. It felt _good. Really good._ Even if it feels good, I don't want him to do this to me.

He tangles his fingers in my hair and gently tugs on the astray curl. I let out a whimper and my cheeks flush with a dark red. Francis quietly laughs his signature 'honhonhon' laugh. I look down and notice that the curl pulling gave me an instant erection. It seems as if my entire body turns the same color as my already reddened cheeks. He reaches in his pocket and takes out a small bottle of lube. He coats three of his fingers in the clear substance.

I close my legs tightly. I don't want this. Something is holding me from fighting back. I want to fight back, I want to scream out, I want to make him stop, but I can't. I'm afraid of getting punished. He said he wouldn't hurt me… So does that mean he won't punish me? Is that why I obeyed him without a second thought? He spreads my legs apart and keeps them apart. He slowly pushes a finger into my tight hole. I shudder at the uncomfortable feeling. He pushes his finger all the way in-_Oh._ He brushes past something that causes me to gasp and deliver a quiet moan.

He adds another finger and I whimper. _Why aren't I fighting back? He isn't hurting me and it feels good, but I don't want this. Just say something! Make him stop! _"P-Please… S-Stop…" I whisper through quiet moans. "But doesn't it feel good?" He asks in a low seductive tone. I wipe my eyes and sniffle. "I d-don't w-want th-this." I say even quieter. I feel if I defy him, then he will hit me. I'm expecting him to. He scissors the tight muscles and add another finger. I hiss and arch my back.

He pulls all three out. Francis takes his belt off and pulls his pants down to his knees. He lubes himself up and presses his dick against my entrance. I take a deep breath and press my hands against his abdomen and shove him back. "N-No." I whisper. "S-Stop." My voice cracks. He grabs onto my wrists and holds them down. "Shhh… There's no need to fight it. Just relax." His voice is calm. Although I'm sure he knows that if anyone finds us I might never get to see him again. Papa pushes the head in and I gasp loudly. He quickly covers my mouth with his hand and glares at me. He takes some of the blanket in his hand. "Open." He mutters. I open my mouth and he sticks the edge of the blanket in my mouth. I close my teeth around it.

He fully sheaths himself inside of me. I squirm as he starts to slowly thrust inside of me, hitting my prostate with every thrust. My moans are muffled by the blanket that rests between my teeth. He wraps his hand around the base of my cock and starts to pump me in time with his thrusts. Even with all of the pleasure he gives me, My body still shakes. I'm scared. So, so scared. My silent tears turn into something not so silent. I cry a little bit louder. The crying is muffled by moans.

Papa pulls the blanket out of my mouth and silences me with a kiss. A kiss that is filled with love, passion, and lust. His tongue glides across mine. I don't move my tongue at all. I grip onto his shoulders and push him back. I try and squirm away. He thrust in hard and quick, it was _painful._ "S-Stop!" I quietly shout. He stops going hard and fast after a few thrusts. No one heard me shout. If they did, they were probably ignoring it.

My breath hitches and I quickly cum in his hand. My muscles tighten around his cock and he cums inside me. Papa gives me one more kiss. It's soft and light, like a kiss one would give to their lover. He fixes the button my pajama top and pulls my pants and boxers back up. He kisses my forehead. He gives me a quick look that says 'don't tell anyone' and I shudder. The feeling of the sticky cum was uncomfortable. It felt even worse when it dried.

Kumajiro bounds into my room and jumps on the bed. He is shaking and he lies down next to me and tries to hide under me. After several moments I find my voice. "I-It's o-okay Kumachiki." I mumble through shaky breaths. I finally calm down and stop shaking when the sun starts to rise. I didn't get much sleep that night. Neither did Kumajiro.

I decide to get up before anyone else so I can get in the shower first. The house is quiet and empty, almost lifeless. The sun had just barely risen in the sky. I grab some clothes and hurry to the bathroom. I actually half-limped there. I shut and lock the door. I turn on the shower so it's scalding hot then strip myself of my clothing. I get in the shower and slump against the wall. The hot water turns my pale skin red and I start to cry.

I cry because I didn't stop Papa from doing that. I cry because I'm weak. I cry because I didn't call for help when I could have. I cry as the nip of a razor blade burns against my skin and taints the water a dark red. About twelve deep cuts line my arm. I sit in the shower, crying, until the water turns cold. I didn't notice the banging on the door until it was kicked in.

"Mattie? Why are you crying?" Alfred walks into the bathroom. "I heard you crying and- " He stops mid sentence. "Why the hell are there white stains on the inside of your pajamas?" Alfred flings open the shower curtain. His glare turns into a look of surprise. I am sitting on the tub floor, with my knees hugged against my chest. Blood seeps from the razor blade wound. My eyes are red and I have my head down.

I look up at Alfred. He is wearing dark grey sweatpants and a loose white shirt. Alfred shuts off the water. He kneels in front of the shower. "Matthew…" His voice is low and serious. "What happened?" He could obviously tell that something was wrong. "N-Nothing!" I yell. I try to cover myself up more. "C-Can y-you g-get m-me a t-towel?" I ask in a quiet, meek, tone. Alfred nods. He leaves the bathroom and returns with a dark colored towel.

He gets some gauze from the bathroom cabinet. "Don't tell Artie about these." Alfred motions to the cuts. "He'll flip out." Alfred quickly bandages the cuts. "What happened?" He asks, sternly. I look down at my feet and wrap the towel around my shoulders. "Nothing." I say again, hoping that he'll leave me alone. Alfred glares at me. "I'm not kidding, Matthew. What. The. Fuck. Happened?"

I look away. _Do I lie to him? Do I tell him what Papa did to me? Maybe if I ignore him, then he'll forget about me. That would never work. If I don't tell him, then will Papa try to have sex with me again? What am I thinking? I want to be protected from him. _"D-Don't t-tell E-En-England and d-don't do a-anything d-drastic, okay?"

Alfred nods. I could tell he was already mentally preparing himself to beat someone up. I can barely get the words out. "P-Papa u-used m-me last n-night." I mutter. My voice is meek and filled with sorrow. Alfred stands up and begins to leave. I latch onto his arm. "W-Where are you going?" I ask. I gaze at his sapphire eyes. They are filled with anger and hate. "Mattie, let go. I'm going to give your father a piece of my mind." He tries to pull his arm away but I hold on tightly.

"N-Non. I just n-need y-you to p-protect me f-from h-him." I stand up and wrap my trembling arms around Alfred. "P-Please d-don't." I whisper against his chest. Alfred hugs my small frame. "Alright Mattie, I won't. But if he tries anything, I want you to knock on the wall, or scream out. Whatever is easiest." Alfred sighs. He hugs me tighter. "I don't want anyone to hurt you." He says into my light blond hair. I break the hug and start to put on my clothes. Alfred leaves the bathroom, "Come to my room once you're done." He mumbles before he leaves.

I hurriedly put on the rest of my clothes and brush my hair. My hair was messy. Really messy. I spend at least ten minutes trying to brush it through. I gather my dirty clothes and throw them in the hamper, then go outside of Al's room. I knock on the door. "Come in." He says after I knock. I walk in and close the door behind me. Alfred tackles me with a hug. He has tears in his eyes. "I have to talk to you about something."

"What is it, Al?" I ask, slightly worried.

"I want to go back to my country, and I want to keep you safe… So I think you should come with me, or tell Arthur about what Francis did to you." Alfred breaks the hug and stares into my eyes with a concern filled gaze. I look down at the floor. "I could run away to my own country…" I whisper.

"No you can't. Mattie, we're both teenagers and the last time I checked, you don't have a house in Canada. I have a house in America; Britain bought it for me when I was younger. I think you should come with me." Alfred says. I ponder this for a moment. _I could go to America__with him… Or I could go back to Ivan. No. I think it's best for me to be closer to my country. _"I-I'll go with you." I whisper.

"Alright! Just one small thing. I don't want Francis or Iggy to know that we're leaving, lest they try and keep us here. So we should leave in the middle of the night, okay?"

I nod. "S-So does t-that mean I should g-get my things together?"

"Yes. Okay, so… Here's the plan. I'll go out today and get a few plane tickets for the early morning, like, around five or six in the morning. We'll leave the house at two and walk to the airport." Alfred is excited about this plan. Although, if Papa decides to come into my room late at night, we might not be able to go. "Alright, Al. That sounds good. I'll get my things together later."

A few hours pass. "I'm going out to get some things from the store. I'll be back soon." Alfred calls out as he walks out of the door. Neither Arthur nor Papa glance his way when he leaves. I leave the living room and go upstairs, carrying Kuma in my arms. I set him down on my bed and dig around in my closet for my old suitcase. I find it and start to fold up my clothes and other necessities and shove them in the bag. I finish packing it and stuff it in the back of my closet.

A little while later, Alfred comes up to my room. I am lying on my bed staring at the ceiling. He tosses something on me. It is a bottle of maple syrup. I leap from my bed and pull him in a hug. "Merci!" I say as I hold him tightly. "Do you have the plane tickets?" I ask and sit back down. Kumajiro crawls from the spot where he was sleeping and sits next to me. "Yeah. I do." He takes out his wallet and pulls the tickets out, showing them to me. "There is a plane leaving at four in the morning, so I think we should leave at one. That means heading out of the door at one, okay?"

I nod and smile. Alfred and I spend the rest of the day talking with each other and playing board games. The afternoon soon fades into the evening, and the evening soon fades into night. We are both sitting on my floor, in the midst of a game of monopoly. Arthur comes in my room. "Go to bed, you two. It's eleven o'clock and you shouldn't stay up all night." He smiles and leaves my room; he goes to his room and shuts the door. Alfred smirks as he helps me clean up. "Do you have everything packed?" I whisper to him. He nods. "Yeah, just text me if you get bored, okay?"

"Okay." We finish cleaning up the game. Once he leaves, I turn my light off and grab a book from my shelves. I plug in my cell phone and use its light so I can read. The charger is plugged into the wall and it is sandwiched between my bed and the wall. The small light illuminates the pages of the book as I begin to read. I must have fallen asleep while I was reading because the next thing I know, Alfred is spamming me and Kumajiro keeps pawing at me.

'_Dude it's 12:45__where r u? I'm downstairs. Hurry up!'_

I read the text and scramble out of bed I grab my phone and my charger. I retrieve my bag from the back of my closet. I shove my charger in one of the pockets and slip my phone in my pocket. I pick up Kuma and the bag and slowly creep down the stairs. Thank God the stairs don't squeak as I walk down them. Alfred is leaning against the wall, with his suitcase next to him. He walks up to me. "Let's go." He whispers.

He opens the door and we both head outside. I close it behind me. The cool night air cascades over me, making me shiver. Alfred runs down the driveway. "C'mon!" He shouts. I run after him. "I thought we were walking."

"We are, just not now." Alfred is smart sometimes when he wants to be. We run down the road until the neighborhood isn't in view anymore. We walk the rest of the way to the airport. It takes a few hours. When the airport is in view, I stuff Kuma inside my hoodie. When we get there, we spend an hour waiting around. The plane comes an hour early. Not very many people are boarding on the plane to America. Luckily, I slip through security easily. No one notices me so I just walk through. Alfred comes out a few minutes later.

We both shut off our phones and board the plane. We had a row to ourselves. I take Kuma out of my hoodie and set him in the window seat. Alfred sits on the end and I sit in the middle. I fall asleep, leaning on Alfred's shoulder.

**Author's note**

**There is going to be one or two more chapters.**


	21. Chapter 21

I wake up in about four hours. I thought it was all a dream, that me and Alfred ran away, but it wasn't. That made me happier. I didn't have to be around my father anymore. He won't be able to use me anymore. The plane ride seemed to drone on. It was boring. Really boring. Neither me nor Alfred brought anything to do on the plane. Some of the flight attendants were scared of Kuma, so I tried to convince them that he was a stuffed bear. It worked for the most part.

We finally got off our flight and took a cab to Alfred's house. His house was pretty big even if he lived all alone. Well, he won't be living alone, now that I'm with him. We walk in the front door and Alfred sets his things down on the floor. I set my stuff down next to him, and I set Kuma on the floor. He runs off to go explore the house. I see Alfred take his phone out. "H-Hey Al, maybe you shouldn't turn your phone on." I nudge his shoulder.

"What? Why?" The screen on his phone lights up and he's bombarded with voice mails. They are all from Arthur. "Maybe you shouldn't listen to them." I say, secretly hoping that Arthur wouldn't send him voice mails where he was crying his eyes out. "What harm can it do? He's not gonna come after us, anyway." And with that, Alfred listened to the first message. It was from this morning.

"Alfred, where did you run off to? If this is some joke, then you're going to be in trouble."

The second message. "Alfred, come home. Francis and I have spent the _entire morning_looking for you."

The third one. "Alfred, so help me God, when I find you… Oh I don't know what I'll do.."

The fourth one. "Alfred, if you don't come home right now, I'm going to come and find you myself." Arthur had started crying. "Please come home." He whispers into the phone and hangs up.

Alfred has a somber look on his face. "I guess he really does care. Huh." He glances over at me. "Mattie, why are you crying?" He drops his phone. Luckily, it doesn't shatter. He sets his hands on the side of my cheeks and pulls my head closer. He gently kisses my forehead. I lean against him. "Tell me what's wrong." He whispers. "All of the messages mentioned you. None of them mentioned me. Maybe Arthur really doesn't care about me."

Alfred looks me straight in the eyes and his expression hardens. "Listen, he does care for you. He might not show it, but he does. How about you turn your phone on and see if you have any messages." Alfred's expression softens. He gives me a quick hug. I get my cell phone from my pocket and turn it on. There is one message. It's from Francis. I listen to it.

"Please come home. I know this is my fault, but please come back. I won't hurt you anymore." He cries. "I don't want to lose yo-" I snap my phone closed before the message can finish. I'm seething with rage. How dare he act like everything is okay, when it obviously isn't. Alfred sees the anger emitting from me. He steps back. "Woah, Mattie, calm down. Please don't get upset."

I don't bother to try and calm down. "This is why I tried to kill myself! They've never cared about me before! It was only when I became a threat to myself! Arthur never really cared. All of those messages he sent you were about… Well, you! And only you. He didn't even mention me. He probably forgot that I even existed!" Angry tears stream down my face. Alfred backs up against the back of the couch. He seems surprised. "Mattie, maybe you should take it down a notch. They do care for you."

"No they don't!" I angrily yell and shove Alfred. He grips onto the back of the couch so he doesn't flip over onto it. He moves away from the couch and starts to walk to the stairs. "I don't know what has gotten into you, but whatever it is, it's not like the Matthew I know." Alfred grimaces and goes upstairs. I immediately regret what I did. My knees buckle and I fall to the floor, on my hands and knees. _How many times have I been in this position? _I ask myself and laugh at my own sick joke. The laughing turns into tears. The tears turn into sobbing. I fix my position and sit on the floor.

I hold my head in my hands and wallow in my own sorrow. Something nudges me from behind. I turn around and see Kumajiro. "You should go and apologize to him." He inquires. I shake my head. "He'll just get mad at me." I stand up and try to find the bathroom. Kuma follows at my heels. I finally find it. I goes inside, leaving the door open and gaze at myself in the mirror. My hands rest, straddling the sink.

My eyes are sunken it. They're red from crying. My hair is longer than it should be. I would need a haircut sooner or later. And I probably needed to shave. There are slight bits of messy stubble on my chin. My hair curl even seemed less bouncy than it usually is. Then it hits me. I look down at my hands in realization. I'm starting to look like him. I'm starting to act like him… _No. No, this can't be. I'm not like him. _He started to influence how I was acting. Me being rude to Alfred, and Ivan… That wasn't me. It was him. No. It can't be. I can't be like him. I don't want to hurt Alfred and Ivan. I don't want to be like him. I'm not like him.

I dig around in the bathroom cabinet and find a pair of scissors and some shaving razors. I quickly shave off the stubble and cut my hair shorter. I don't want to be like him. _I'm not like him._

Before I knew what was going on, Alfred had appeared in the bathroom and he was dragging me upstairs. "I'm not letting you do this to yourself." He mutters and throws me on his bed. He grabs onto my wrist and start dabbing it with a towel. I look down and see that I had cut myself again. I didn't even realize that I had done it. Where did I get a razor? I don't know. I'd have to ask Alfred. He might know. Alfred is glaring at me. "Mattie, why the hell did you do this? I thought you were happier that we left."

I avoid his gaze. "I am happy…"

"Then why did you do this? I tried my best to save you from getting hurt, but you went ahead and hurt yourself." He says the last part quieter. I don't respond. Silence is my only option right now. I don't want to tell him what I was thinking. I roll over to my side and take the towel from him. I clutch it to my wrist. "I didn't even… R-Realize I was c-cutting myself."

"Well, you took a shaving razor and broke the top part in half to retrieve the blade. Mattie, what were you thinking?" He asks. I glance at him. He had a sorrowful expression on his face. I look away and roll on my back. Alfred straddles me on his hands and knees. He's leaning over me. He takes his hand puts it under my chin and forces me to look at him. "What made you do this?" He asks softly. I sigh, a shiver is sent down my spine. "I-I'm b-becoming ju-just like him."

Alfred kisses me unexpectedly. His soft lips press gently against mine. He licks my lips and I open my mouth. Our tongues glide over each other. Alfred pulls back for a moment. "You're not like him. Don't ever say that. You're my brother, and you're totally different from… From that… monster." He kisses me again. Alfred slips his hands under my hoodie and starts to pull it off. I break the kiss so I can take it off. I discard of the hoodie and drop it to the floor.

Alfred presses his hand against my crotch and starts palming me through my pants. He quickly slips off his shirt and undoes my belt buckle. He forces my pants off while we are passionately kissing. I press my hands against his chest and push him over to flip flop our positions, so I'm the one on top of him. I take his pants off along with his boxers. I kiss down his chest and he shivers under my touch. He grabs my hips. "Mattie, c'mon… I want you so bad."

I nibble his earlobe. "I can't believe I'm hearing myself say this, but I want you too, Al." And with that, I slip my boxers off. I get off the bed and go into the bathroom. I find a bottle of lotion. I go back into the bedroom and throw the bottle of lotion beside Alfred. I spread his legs and pour some of the lotion on my fingers. I rub it over them and push one inside Alfred. He gasps. I slip another one inside of him. "If I'm hurting you, just tell me." I whisper and kiss him again.

I could never live with myself if I hurt him. I've been hurt so much this way, and I don't want him to feel pain. I slip in a third finger and brush against his prostate. He gasps loudly and arches his back. "M-Mattie… Hurry up." He says. I nod and rub some of the lotion over my cock. I slowly push inside him. He moans. I hold onto his hips and slowly thrust in him. I hit his prostate with every thrust. "Ahh… nnn… Mattie, faster!" He screams in pleasure. I pound into him faster and jack him off in time with my thrusts.

After several more moments of us fucking, Alfred cums on my hand and our chests. I cum after him and ride out the rest of my orgasm. Sticky sweat covers my back. I flop face down into the bed sheets and pillows beside me. I groan and roll over to my back. Alfred smiles at me. He puts his hands behind his head and stares up at the ceiling. "That was awesome. We should do it again." He says.

Pleasure still clouds my mind and I barely recognize what Alfred had said. "E-Eh? Oh. I-I'd like to s-sleep for a little."

"Alright, bro. I'm gonna hop in the shower. Feel free to join me if you want to." And with that, he gets up and goes into the bathroom. I look over at his lean muscled tan back and sigh. He's so hot. Maybe I will join him. Alfred turns around before shutting the bathroom door. "By the way, Mattie. You look different. Did you cut your hair or something?"

"Oui. I did." He goes back to the bathroom and turns the shower on. I could see that he was limping, and that he was trying to hide it. I laugh quietly to myself. Maybe I should call Ivan and tell him that I'm in America. Wait, then he'll question me and probably kill Francis for good this time. Did maybe Arthur or Francis tell Ivan that they can't find Alfred and I? Did me having sex with Alfred count as cheating on Ivan? I don't think it does since Ivan and I haven't done that many sexual things together. Would I consider us a couple?

I get up and walk over to the bathroom. I slip into the shower with Alfred. "Hey Al, does me having sex with you count as cheating on Ivan?"

Alfred chuckles. "I don't know dude, you should have asked that before we had sex. Although, I'm sure he'll be fine with it." There wasn't much showering going on, but there was a heated make out session between Alfred and I. We finish our shower. I leave the bathroom while drying my hair with a towel. I pull on my clothes and go downstairs.

I find my bag in the spot I left it. I pick it up and bring it to my room. I drop it in the middle of the floor. My phone starts to ring. I look at the number before answering it. It was Ivan. I quickly pick it up. "S-Salut?"

"Matvey." His tone is harsh yet filled with worry. "Where did you and your brother run off to? France called me and said that you had run away."

I take a deep breath. My whole body shivers as I exhale. "C-Can you p-promise not to t-tell Papa or Arthur?" The line was silent for a moment. "Da. I promise."

"I'm with Alfred. He took me to America in the middle of the night."

"Why couldn't you have stayed with your parents? Did he hurt you again?"

"N-Non. H-He d-didn't h-hurt me." At least that part was true. He may have used me but he didn't hurt me. My hands tremble and I almost drop my cell phone. "Then why did you leave? France and England have been worried sick looking for you. You should come back, da." Ivan had concern in his voice. "They don't care about me. They probably didn't even realize I was gone. They only care about Alfred." Tears are streaming down my face. Without a second thought, I hang up the phone, and turn it on silent. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I lay down in my bed and cry myself to sleep.

I wake up in the late evening, around seven-ish. I wander down the stairs and see Alfred sitting on the couch, playing video games. He hears me coming down the stairs. "Bro, I ordered a pizza. Come play with me." He was playing a shooting game. I think it may have been called 'call of duty' but I'm not sure. I usually don't like games like that.

I sit by him on the couch. I take out my phone. There is one voicemail from Ivan. I contemplate whether I should listen to it or not. What harm can it do? It's just a message, it's not like he's going to hunt me down or anything. I listen to it. "It is rude to hang up on people. If you left because France raped you again, then I am going to crush every bone in his body; but for now, I am going to come visit you in Amerika." I gulp after listening to the message.

"H-Hey Al?" I poke his shoulder. "What is it, I'm at a very important part, ya know." His voice has a slight tone of annoyance. "Russia is on a flight to come over here." Alfred immediately pauses his game. "What? Why? How does he even know we're here?" He says angrily.

"I told h-him. H-He w-was worried aboot me… s-so I told h-him." I flinch out of habit, thinking he would hit me. Alfred sighs. "That's not fair." He crosses his arms and sticks out his lower lip. "I wanted you all for myself." He mutters quietly. I instantly relax and laugh. I wrap my arm around my very childish brother. "You have me to yourself for a few hours." I whisper in his ear. The doorbell rings. Alfred quickly kisses me and stands up. "I'll get it." He says and opens the door.

A man hands over a pizza box and Alfred hands him a twenty. "Keep the change." He says as he shuts the door and sets the pizza on the coffee table. Alfred opens it up and takes a slice of the extra cheesy pizza. He eats about half of it in one bite. I take a slice and start eating it myself. Alfred finishes the slice and unpauses his game. We spend the afternoon eating pizza, playing video games and enjoying each other's company.

******author's note:**

******I might not be able to update as quickly because I'm going to help out for a week at a vacation bible school. Anyway, I have a few new ideas in place for this story since you guys are kinda upset that I said it was going to be one or two more chapters long. I'll write "the end" when it's the end of the story.**


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